Saturday, April 1, 2017

"But You Have Control." --my Mom



I’ve been there, I’ve known that it could get bad enough. In my twenties I knew that I would need a plan, and I knew when things got bad like when I would cry and cry for hours I would walk myself to the hospital and check into emerge so that I would have the medical community watch over me in case I couldn’t control myself. I wasn’t very happy in my twenties. But I had a secret weapon. The “5 Minutes” I knew If I held on, if I waited 5 more minutes I would be ok, something would change in five minutes, I would be distracted by a better life, I would work through my sadness by writing or music. I had this will to wait five minutes to know that everything would be ok.

I look now at one of the articles about Amy Bleuel, the founder of project semicolon and that she died by suicide.  For whoever needs help right now, you can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
I wonder what if you don’t have five more minutes what if five minutes turns into five days, months years? And you don’t get that fight to live you don’t spend every waking hour playing with and analysing every single feeling to make sure it doesn’t sweep you off your feet. The young lady was 31. At thirty one I had just stopped living with my parents after a rough twenties and worked at a call centre,which was something I said I would never do.  What if I couldn’t find the joy, the temporary beauty of working in my own little work pod all by myself and then the reaching out to some of my best friends and support team ever.

I have friends, not knowing the true experience that I have had say they don’t understand how someone could kill themselves or other people, I can say I get but; I’ve never actually not waited five more minutes to get through it.


So for those of you who depended on Amy and said “If she could do it I could do it.” Look now to yourself and say “I’ve done it and I’ll do it for five more minutes.” I’ll face every fear I’ll reach out to my friends and I’ll sort all this out. One moment at a time. And if you’re like me at 29 and the only thing to do is move home with your parents and you can’t move home with your parents, reach out to one more person. This will be your secret weapon. I have five minutes, You have the whole world reach out to one person and just say hi.”

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