I wish I knew then what I know now, I wish I knew that all I had said and done all that I told others I believed I believed myself. About being single about loving myself as I am. I wish the passion I had to stand by me was as strong as the logic I used to argue my independence.
I knew what I was doing was right for me at the time I had no idea how right I was
I thought I was missing something by not being in a full fledged sexual\romantic relationship I thought it was a big deal that no man had ever said “I love you” to me in the heat of passion I thought I had done something wrong or people would make fun of me if they knew the truth.
I think of all the tears because this boy and that boy didn’t know I was alive.
But after an attempted and failed whatever that was; As I make peace with my apartment and myself and the quiet and the kitties I realize that for me, what I have been doing, has been right for me. The confidence I gained in two weeks in my real friends and myself, the fact that it was pointed out that I do love people and that I have friends that know I need to be alone and know I need to be with them at times as well was priceless.
I’m different, always have been.
I remember trying to come to grips in my mind of how to love everyone equally and still fall in love with one man more than the rest. It never made sense to me. And you know what? It doesn’t have to. I can be strong and confident in who I am and who I need to be. And that’s where I am right now, curled up in my bed with my laptop trying to sort out my emotions because that’s what I do.
I wish, if I had one wish tonight, it would be to instill in people of all ages and all genders the confidence I received this week in learning; what I didn’t want, in relationship to all that I had.
That for me Friday night home alone with my piano, my white cat listening to me sing, the calico doing whatever the calico does and my laptop ready with words, is better than anything else. And my real friends will shine through and we’ll have dates that are my style of fun.