Saturday, August 20, 2016

All You Need is Luv

All you need is love?

But what kind? And by who? And when? And what does it look like. Romantic love, marriage, and children is not in the cards for everyone. Some find out too early, before they really get a chance to hold someone’s hand. And some find out too late, after they’ve spent time looking for the person to take them to that final level and complete them in a relationship or they’ve had children and now they have lost their creativity, their independence, because a flow chart in highschool told you that to be a complete person, you had to fall in love and get married.

There’s not supposed to be any other feeling in the world like having a lover. That we learn about ourselves and challenge each other and teach each other to grow. But what if we hide in that relationship, if we torture each other, hurt each other, manipulate each other. Then isn’t it better to be by yourself; discovering yourself with a notepad and sharpie. A piano and your favorite tune stretching your voice and learning to speak and grow in many different ways?

All you need is love?

We’re proving that love is different than that flowchart we saw in school. Different than what we learned in church camp; that you had to get married to your sweet heart and have some kids. No matter who you are. I wrote myself a letter in grade 5 that said I didn’t want to get married. I thought maybe I jinxed myself as reached my twenties. But maybe I knew something, that marriage and family, it wasn’t for me.

And I did something, I followed my instincts and other people followed theirs. And we ended up where we want to be, I hope.

The flip side to the story is, I have depression, so I'm always left to wonder: would my life be better or worse if I had a lover to sleep with me and talk to me at breakfast time. Would I not have depression if I were married and had companionship with more than 2 cats, a computer, a piano and my friends who fit me between boyfriends, husbands and their own ideas of what friendship and love should be.

If I had a soul mate, if I spent my time looking for love, if I got married to and had great sex and awesome soul feeding fights would I still need Prozac? Or would it matter?

All I need is love.


And only I know what that looks like for me.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Alone

I just wrote a tough little piece, that I will work on and save for later, when it’s all alive and stuff. In it I listed what made me happy, the only thing I’ve liked about myself in the past forty years was being alone. So many people said it wasn’t the normal way to feel that I fought it. I thought I could work with great people and party and all I wanted to do was be alone with my cats and write from the heart.

That’s the truth that’s the pure truth. Kacey’s top forty on the weekend when I could no longer play the piano, my books, and my writing as a kid. Sitting here like this, warm and sweaty, in my apartment in the summer, with words and choices, I chose to live happy. Surround myself with people that I like, not worry about how many people like me and not believe people when they think I couldn’t be happy.

Let the whispers wash away, the voices of others judgement.


When people want their childhoods back they probably don’t want to sit in a little room with blue walls being alone. But that’s what I liked. That’s what I like now. It took me forty years to identify the truth. Now what to do with it?