I did my morning pages late today, at like about 5:00pm, so I had a day to think about them. I’m at the point where the medication is making me chemically balanced and I can’t imagine there is any more gluten or dairy to squeeze out of my life. This means any depression I have is due to habit or hiding from my emotions.
Some people say they feel fear or anxiety, and it breaks them. My emotional palate is empty, lots of positivity and forgiveness and understanding, but I usually need to be in bed at 8-8:30 because I’m sooo flippin exhausted. Maybe from not dealing with my true emotions?
I’ve heard emotional issues will see a persona having to get rid of the thing that makes them well but doesn’t evolve with them. If I’m drowning in rushing river, a big log will save my life, but soon, to avoid the water falls or to get back to the river side, when I gain strength again, I need to let go of this log.
Sleeping has kept me safe saying: “I love you” over and over “I love this life” or “this life is love” works until I reached a place where it’s no longer to healthy. I have too be able to see the things that are working and give myself “props” for discovering them and knowing to keep them. But as I wrote in my journal there’s only about half of myself that I truly know and love the other half I sleep away and loathe.
It’s kept me safe until now to only love the lovable part, but now, and it won’t be the first time, I have look into the darkness.
I have to know what I forgive and what I need apologies from other people for. I need strength and colour to take the next step.
I’m letting go of the log, letting go of the safety net and giving myself permission to feel and dream what ever I need.