Monday, July 4, 2016

How Much





I’m alive today
I’m breathing
I’m feeling love
I’m beautiful

Silent and sleep
Over take my body.
Tell me it’s time to rest
When I just woke up.
Tell me it’s time to give up
Before I ever tried.
It doesn’t matter how many I take…
If I don’t do it myself who am I?

Life and death
Pass over my sight.
All I see is blurry
When I have new glasses.
Tell me I’m blind
Before I even open my eyes.
It doesn’t matter “how much” you tell me
I rely on what I’ve seen.

I’m awake today
I’m alive today
I’m good enough today
I’m fabulous

Mist and mire
As I fall deeper.
The sun light turns into fire
Turns into ice mountains.
Tell me I have no feelings
And I will find them.
There are rabbits in these hats

Magic, I am a heart beat.



Sunday, July 3, 2016

Log in the River

 not my photo

I did my morning pages late today, at like about 5:00pm, so I had a day to think about them. I’m at the point where the medication is making me chemically balanced and I can’t imagine there is any more gluten or dairy to squeeze out of my life. This means any depression I have is due to habit or hiding from my emotions.

Some people say they feel fear or anxiety, and it breaks them. My emotional palate is empty, lots of positivity and forgiveness and understanding, but I usually need to be in bed at 8-8:30 because I’m sooo flippin exhausted. Maybe from not dealing with my true emotions?

I’ve heard emotional issues will see a persona having to get rid of the thing that makes them well but doesn’t evolve with them. If I’m drowning in rushing river, a big log will save my life, but soon, to avoid the water falls or to get back to the river side, when I gain strength again, I need to let go of this log.

Sleeping has kept me safe saying: “I love you” over and over “I love this life” or “this life is love” works until I reached a place where it’s no longer to healthy. I have too be able to see the things that are working and give myself “props” for discovering them and knowing to keep them. But as I wrote in my journal there’s only about half of myself that I truly know and love the other half I sleep away and loathe.

It’s kept me safe until now to only love the lovable part, but now, and it won’t be the first time, I have look into the darkness.

I have to know what I forgive and what I need apologies from other people for. I need strength and colour to take the next step.

I’m letting go of the log, letting go of the safety net and giving myself permission to feel and dream what ever I need.


Saturday, July 2, 2016

Market

So it's summer time now and I'm spending the first few days of July at my parents house in the cool fog and rain. The Duncans and I are chillaxing. The world was getting the better of me and I needed to sit and relax.

I had a very good chat with my oldest friend and I shared with her how I'm dealing with depression now. You see chemically I have everything in order. The right amount of Prozac, all the bad chemicals out of my body; wheat and gluten. And there is still a part of me that  is sad😢.

Still a part of me that isn't real yet. Still a part of me that pushes all the emotions down under and sleeps so I don't have to be truthful to myself and others; I don't have time for that any more, there are things that I've started on good days that I need to finish, goals and objectives.

Today I was surrounded by a lot of people I didn't know and a few that I did. I balanced self time and friend time and new people time and didn't get overwhelmed by the end of the market I was at.

I'm home and journaling and feeling balanced and awake which is great. Just the next moment and the next to live through.