Note: this comes from a day of meditation, reading and being in a very safe place. I lit candles, mowed the grass and did my tarot cards to get to a place where I could look this memory in the eye. It's a tough one. But I think I can finally grow from it. It will probably be explored again and written less cryptically in the future but this is the best I can do for now.
I pick out a memory I had from 11-12 years ago.
I was fired twice from a job I wanted to stay in, until I could beat depression, and work in theatre and film again. Just one more day was all I needed; just one more sleep.
I hold those two moments in my hand and they become one moment of fear and shame and misunderstanding and hate. A hate storm. I start by remembering it as a twenty year old and then turn it around and look at it like a 40 year old.
I did something right because they never did fire me.
I learned that maybe, although loved the job, the time and the place was not for me, so I put in my two weeks notice, very shortly after.
At forty I would like to say that I could handle it better. I can look at the situation and know I'm not her anymore that moment that I'm holding in my hands now, does not have to be as big and dramatic as it was back then. I can turn that memory into a bubble and let it float away. It does not have to affect my every decision now a days.
Left behind is the green grass and an empty spot that once housed this fear and shame, that needs to be replaced from the heart of this 40 year old, cleaning up.
come on and take me down to
where the grass grows green
on my heart where I
rest without pain
Where I choose my time
and place like a wedding
I chose where and how I leave darkness
like sleeping in the afternoon
I chose how to let that part of me live
that darkness in your soul
that peel that had gone black
I let it go
and now the grass grows on my heart
The spider and crickets play hopscotch
tickle my nose with their tiny feet
and my toes are met by caterpillars
turning into butterflies
but I had to let the grass grow first