Any work I did on myself was to make myself likeable to the boys, to everyone really. I thought if I watched movies and listened to conversations I could decide what boys liked, what people in general liked and what they didn't like and I would be sure not to do what they didn't like. But people still got mad at me even though I was pretty sure I was striving to be the perfect person.
I can stop doing that now and just be me.
There’s been so many things and places and people who have come right out and said they didn't like me that it’s built in, the shame and the lack of confidence. Though, I fight all the way, Like when one boss sad “NO one here wanted you to get the job, but don’t let that get you down.” I kept going, feeling entitled, I had won the job by points and it was mine. And I kept going in confidence, but it broke me down a bit. I knew everyone already had decisions made. And one bad morning when a co-worker out of nowhere told me to quit because I didn't like the job, I did quit. Not really my own decision. But, I guess I probably never really did get the support I needed.
On a whole I don’t worry about whether all the boys like me but in my mind I want to be ready for “that one.” OK I want all the boys to like me so that I can have my pick, but that’s never worked either.
I just have to be me, do any fixing that needs to be fixed and not worry about who I'm doing it for: do it because it makes me happy and healthy.
Plus I just need to be me.