Monday, August 31, 2015

Just Go for It

Today I had an interview of sorts. It was cute. I was asked five questions

1)      What would I do if I won a million dollars?  
2)      What fictional place would I like to go?
3)      What time would I like to go to in a time machine?
4)      Who would I like to have dinner with?
5)      What age would I like to stay at?

The million dollar one threw me because I don’t usually buy a lotto ticket and I never really put into words what I would do if I came upon a shit load of money in my life. If I won the lottery I would buy a house give some to the local animal shelter and travel for a week or two at a time. But a million, that has limits so I better make it good, right?

So I said I would buy an apartment in Paris and write poetry and travel Europe.

I also have a saying that it doesn’t matter, the money will come if it’s really meant to be, so why don’t I drop everything and do it, go to Paris (or England as my French is marde) and see Europe and write poetry about it.

The truth is I tried to do it post university, and I tried to teach English overseas, both endeavours fell through. SO I got two cats a job and a singing teacher.

SO the opportunity and will is there to try again sometime but I made other choices in life that I have to respect.

One of the questions I wasn’t asked was. What would I redo In my life? Answer: I wouldn’t give up on music, the two times, I did.

I would have tried to take it in university and not cared if I was told I wasn’t good enough, I would have tried anyway, and when I moved home I wouldn’t have stopped singing for 9 years and lost what little voice I had. So if you’re standing at a cross roads think what would I do if I had all the talent? What would I do if I had a million dollars? 

just go for it. 

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Guitar with No Strings

There’s a towel on my dripping wet hair as I stand out on the cabin deck and stare at the lake, the sun is going down and my brain starts remembering everything that happened today. I hesitate for a moment there are things that have happened in the past that I don’t let run freely in my mind and I hope that they will leave me alone on such a complete day.
On the lake shore he sits, the fire he has been working on for the last 15 minutes has grown in a nice dome shape for us to roast veggie dogs and vegan marshmallows on.  He brought his own hot dogs but he said all marshmallows are vegan so he knows mine would taste good.
The dream I had last night when I was alone came back to me. One older, and a virgin, said that she wouldn’t have sex with just anyone because she wasn’t willing to be abused, love hurts she said she understands that, but doesn’t want to get abused, the other one as if to prove her point correct said she had a free sex life and sometimes there were things that hurt more than love should have that sometimes it was messed up and violent.
I tried to understand which was right and which was wrong and realized I had to stop somewhere in the middle open and free yet cautious. So when he came down the beach, sandals and socks a guitar and said he too was here alone bordering between boredom and being overwhelmed with things to do. He had to keep moving he said the view from the rented cottage was great but he had to keep moving keep thinking.
He didn’t want to find me.
But I told him I sing a bit and that I tried to make a fire on this august night but the only thing crackling were the crickets.
I joined him again down by the lake and he began to play Bell Bottom Blues I’ve listen to the album 24 nights millions of times and knew enough to sing a long and hummed the phrases I didn’t know. Then he let me pick a song I knew I picked Leavin’ on a Jet Plane we sang for a while and he headed back to his cabin and I to mine.  I walked by the next morning, to the location of his cabin, down a trail I’d never been, I followed his sandal in the mud.

There was nothing there but an old barn and in guitar with no strings.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Just Be Me

Any work I did on myself was to make myself likeable to the boys, to everyone really. I thought if I watched movies and listened to conversations I could decide what boys liked, what people in general liked and what they didn't like and I would be sure not to do what they didn't like. But people still got mad at me even though I was pretty sure I was striving to be the perfect person.

I can stop doing that now and just be me.

There’s been so many things and places and people who have come right out and said they didn't like me that it’s built in, the shame and the lack of confidence. Though, I fight all the way, Like when one boss sad “NO one here wanted you to get the job, but don’t let that get you down.” I kept going, feeling entitled, I had won the job by points and it was mine. And I kept going in confidence, but it broke me down a bit. I knew everyone already had decisions made. And one bad morning when a co-worker out of nowhere told me to quit because I didn't like the job, I did quit. Not really my own decision. But, I guess I probably never really did get the support I needed.

On a whole I don’t worry about whether all the boys like me but in my mind I want to be ready for “that one.” OK I want all the boys to like me so that I can have my pick, but that’s never worked either.

I just have to be me, do any fixing that needs to be fixed and not worry about who I'm doing it for: do it because it makes me happy and healthy.

Plus I just need to be me.