Sunday, May 24, 2015

The Rising Sun When the Soul is a Moon

I learned very soon that I can't be who I want to be all the time, I need to follow the rules. I need to behave myself and fit in. That when I talk and get excited people don't always understand me and when I get depressed, I start to cry, and I get scared that it's going to go "too far". I medicate myself so I don't cry at all, so that I hear the minimal amount of speaking in my head (so I don't run off into traffic, etc) I have to shut myself down. I have to say "You don't want to go any where alone that you can't get to by walking." Because I know that biking and driving are dangerous for me, I just know it. I feel that being too far away from home is dangerous, it's a fear I have.

Going outside when I don't have to is uncomfortable for me because I have to be a person, and people think I'm like everyone else, and if they want to know why I'm not, then I have to explain that I'm dealing with depression and they all have different opinons about it, that I can't anticipate. I can hide it for a little while and then I think I just start to confuse people.

I am happy, within the limits that I have. The person that I a right now, in this very moment, is happy, when I hear the saddness of other people living with depression and how unahppy they are at their situation it reminds me how much I have sacrificed to be happy. How much I'm not angry at or sad about depression, all that's left is the depression, I'm not depressed because I have depression.

I'm not like other people. I can get in trouble when I'm over the top if I'm really silly, If I'm in a sad place, I'll make a joke, if i'm in a good place I'll make a joke. How I see the world so differently, how quickly I am to point something out or make a joke, so that I fit in, or that people say I'm strange or weird which is better than people telling me I'm sad.

There are things I keep inside so that people don't look at me like "You have to deal with that?" I've had to deal with that twice this week. That I was concious about. I remarked" it hurts but I keep going." I have  quick wit so I'll throw a joke out, or gave a performance of the banana boat song, or Uptown Funk so people don't have to know that I'm ready to curl up in bed and just stare at a wall.

I can do that, my Body will shut down. I'll have had plenty of sleep and I know that I'll need a pot of coffee to even do my morning pages. I can put my head on my Hello Kitty pillow and stare for hours into nothing, strange voices going through my head talking about "12 sandwiches" and "A smokey mountian"; both which have no relevence to anything else around me.

I can tell you I'm an introvert, but I can also tell you my insides suck at being around people, because what I do and what goes through my mind is very different than everyone else.

Living with depression means that a lot of people can't help me. It's so abstract and so selective to how each person deals with it. I tell people dealing to follow their intution but I work on my intuation for hours at a time writing and meditating.

 My mom asked me today why I had so many witch craft books and it's because if I meditate with a spell (prayer) or a potion I'm stronger. Take a day in the week with a certian candle a goddnesss,and a certian point in the compass and some sort of mythical creature and magic happens in my mind. That puts me different places than other people as well.

For me magic is real, maybe that's why I have good days too, because my mind makes things magic. It doesn't see the logic behind many things only the imagination and the imagination is usually way cool.  Dreams are dark but the imagination lifts me up. I'm virtually tone deaf so each note sung or played is different, when I sing, I get to be magic. It also makes it harder because I can sing a song over and over again and still not realize it's the same note I sang three bars ago.

So there you go, that's what I shared about myself today.  I know that some of the stories need greater explanations, characters, people dreams and feelings, but that is me, and why I do weird things, write weird, sing weird and why I can be happy, even though my deepest souls core is very black.

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