Thursday, April 16, 2015

two cats and a lap top and a piano

Maybe instead of thinking: "I’m not very good at this but I’ll do it because it’s fun." I’ll think "Hey I’m pretty good at this."

Maybe I can do both. Have fun and be good. You see I don't always have the best self confidence but I do what I want to do. I do what makes me happy. Singing made me happy so I did it, but what if I'm good at it, what if I can be good at it, and can be proud of it.

What if what I'm doing here, means something. Well it does mean something to me, but what if I'm doing Ok with it, you know? What is my positivity rubs off not only on me, but on the people around me? And we laugh and feel real.

I'm pretty good at writing a poem that heals me, and I can record them and play with them and the options of what I can do and what I want to do and what I've studied are starting to come together. Even if it's just for my own amusement.

What happened if it took forty years to love myself. All the things I tried to do in my twenties, go out on self dates and go to restaurants, never worked. Now, finally I curl up alone with two cats and a lap top and a piano and I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I didn't need to get out to love me I needed to get in. And The more I stay in, eat my own food write my own life, and go out when it's honest the more positives I attract. Is that a type of math?

I guess I just needed a little time to say "I'm proud of who I am" and where I seem to be going. Slowly but surely. Understanding my ups and downs and not fighting them as much, not trying to be someone else, when I thought I was trying to be myself, but I wasn't. Just becoming more comfortable in my skin and my soul and more able to stand up for what I want and who I am.

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