Saturday, April 18, 2015
I don't remember much from being a child. I think because I don't have a lot of people to remind me. SO much of conversations parents and relatives and friends since childhood, is "remember the time you rolled in the mud in the mud flats?" or "sang something beautiful at the church service?" In our family we don't really talk about or remember things like that. The event happened, a few people were there, they didn't like that we got all dirty or that they had to sit through the whole service to hear me mess up Morning has Broken.
I do know I was a mixture of impulsive and thoughtful as a child. I would do whatever I wanted to do and then think about the consequences and decide how I would react and talk in the future.
I liked to have jokes and conversations planned out in my head, I remember post university when my Hotel friends missed a joke I saw unravel in my head, I tried to direct it, like the director I had been in university. But I know that over the years I've become more and more aware of myself. I didn't think it was possible to be more away of myself now than what I was twenty years ago, but I am.
I've become a human navigator I write poetry like maps of the past, like maps of my feelings. I get up early in the morning to go over my dreams and stay up late at night pointing my life in the direction I want with song and words.
I think about what people say, people that I have to be around, people that I choose to be around and see how their words affect me. I embrace the good ones and heal from the sad ones.
I live the present by navigating the past.