Thursday, March 26, 2015

Adult Content Dream Ranch

...there is a dream ranch in Duncanville where peoples lives, imaginations and stories, that have little relevence that I know of, to what is happening in my world, happen in my head. I used to think they meant something but the older I get the more I realize that I have an "active imagination." Although I like to use the word imagination for unicorns and carebears.  For a long time I was guilty and confused about my dreams. The feelings I was left with: the hopeless when I woke up from a bad one, the love and loss when I woke up from a good one. How could real life even compare? This week it got too much. The dream came after a perfectly perfect meditation.

The girl in my dream was raped and dumped in the back of a black car. There were two men; one held a gun and the other drove. They drove for hours with a gun to her head. I was inside and outside of the womans head in the dream. Sometimes I was her, sometimes I was sitting beside her, running beside her.

She was wearing a dress jacket and pink underwear. They let her out by the train tracks and she crossed them. One man stayed in the car and the other, the one with the gun, stepped out and began to follow her. He told her to run to run and run.

The trains went by non stop and it was dangerous to cross. But she crossed. He followed her until she jumped into the muddy river and began to swim. She could see the ocean and she knew when she made it there, he wouldn't follow her into the river. And then I woke up.

I woke up and went to work. Because I had to, because I can't stay in bed when something like this happens. I luckily didn't get the full brunt of emotions, and could get out of bed and function. Does that make me a bad person, That I can function after I witness something like that in my head. Three days later and I still remember this dream and I forget so many.

Does it mean I'm getting healthier that I can get up and function and tell myself it was only a dream. SO many times in the past I would dream something like this and not be able to get out of bed, would not be focused enough to work. The drugs help, sleeping helps, limiting access to what I
do and don't do helps. But I'm ready to decide what to do next about this phenomina so that I can heal from these aweful dreams.


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