Monday, March 30, 2015

Layers and Steps

I removed, removed some layers this weekend, and when people say the word "love" I'm now lost to what it means. I always have been

I had so many answers, so many answers to what it could be, but I'm lost without a song, without a dream, to tell me

I've cleared my slate to all the words of love, words of love I've heard in the past

I used to think that if I married, I loved myself; even wore a ring, but I didn't feel love. Didn't know what it was.

Guess I'm off to find out what love means, what love means to me one step at a step

Step one Human love should be one step above music and writing?

step two Human love is not what I get in those crazy sex dreams (I don't know what that is.... but I can stop believing that's what love is, I can stop searching for that, and can stop being afraid of that.)

Step three Kitten love is a love above music and writing, they are my little family

step four music makes me feel love for myself and the world around me and that takes a lot

step five food is not love food is essential.

Step six One heart beat after the next. one breath in one breath out

Step seven Sitting with myself, writing, listening to music playing the piano is a gift I give myself.

Step 8 not very many babies make me feel love (though some do, I like 2 or 3 babies that I've met.) This is important because I don't need to associate the feeling I get around most babies to love.

Step 9 I used to think I'd meet a man and we would love and heal and I would trust him so much and love him so much that I would want to have a child with him. This is no longer that love will be.

Step ten This is good, this is all good, because now I am open to any new emotion that comes my way I am not frightened by the last 30 *cough* years

I've cleared the slate of many illusions, but built a strong foundation.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Adult Content Dream Ranch

...there is a dream ranch in Duncanville where peoples lives, imaginations and stories, that have little relevence that I know of, to what is happening in my world, happen in my head. I used to think they meant something but the older I get the more I realize that I have an "active imagination." Although I like to use the word imagination for unicorns and carebears.  For a long time I was guilty and confused about my dreams. The feelings I was left with: the hopeless when I woke up from a bad one, the love and loss when I woke up from a good one. How could real life even compare? This week it got too much. The dream came after a perfectly perfect meditation.

The girl in my dream was raped and dumped in the back of a black car. There were two men; one held a gun and the other drove. They drove for hours with a gun to her head. I was inside and outside of the womans head in the dream. Sometimes I was her, sometimes I was sitting beside her, running beside her.

She was wearing a dress jacket and pink underwear. They let her out by the train tracks and she crossed them. One man stayed in the car and the other, the one with the gun, stepped out and began to follow her. He told her to run to run and run.

The trains went by non stop and it was dangerous to cross. But she crossed. He followed her until she jumped into the muddy river and began to swim. She could see the ocean and she knew when she made it there, he wouldn't follow her into the river. And then I woke up.

I woke up and went to work. Because I had to, because I can't stay in bed when something like this happens. I luckily didn't get the full brunt of emotions, and could get out of bed and function. Does that make me a bad person, That I can function after I witness something like that in my head. Three days later and I still remember this dream and I forget so many.

Does it mean I'm getting healthier that I can get up and function and tell myself it was only a dream. SO many times in the past I would dream something like this and not be able to get out of bed, would not be focused enough to work. The drugs help, sleeping helps, limiting access to what I
do and don't do helps. But I'm ready to decide what to do next about this phenomina so that I can heal from these aweful dreams.


Thursday, March 19, 2015

Move the River

not my photo
I needed the wind to move the river
I needed it's breath to make me shiver
I needed earths skin to touch mine
I needed my love to cross over time

His hands on my dancing hips
Taking off the wedding dress
Kissing my wounded lips
Finding love after all this mess

I never did give love to a man I didn't love
But I hurt as loved walked away
I never did find the heart above
All other hearts that wanted me to stay

Always blamed myself for being wrong
But maybe after all this time I was right
Maybe I was the river that was running strong
Maybe all the while I had this ocean in my sight

I needed the wind to move the river
I needed it's breath to make me shiver
I needed earths skin to touch mine
I needed my love to cross over time

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The Glenn Gould Papers

Is not a thing that makes me happy, a something that makes me smile, as good as something I can hold in my hands? A tune I recognize and can talk about? a tiny bit of laughter? Something that spruces up the heart and makes me smile, as good as a written poem. Does everything have to be justified with a piece of writing to prove it was real? Can experience remain in the heart until it is ready to be shared?

I don't have to fight that piece of darkness anymore.

I will follow my heart in combination with my knowledge. I will follow my heart and my knowledge because I am strong enough to do it and I know what I can accomplish and I know that the universe will present something that I can do. I will not dig myself into a deep hole when the universe offers me something; I will not be in trouble. How would I be in trouble? I thought that if I went to "the workshop" the world would end because I would need to rearrange everything. Next time I need to do the rearranging.

I can listen to the universe and my heart in combination, it won't take me places I can't handle. I am healthy enough to push through what ever happens next year I will be able to do it.

I don't think I need this hurting, this fear that I've discovered to go on any further. I can grow from it and release it. In my heart I will listen to more music that I love that doesn't just haunt the back groud but that comes forward and demand I listen. There is a part of me that needs to come forward and demand I listen.

I can listen to hours of music and not feel guilty that I have nothing to show for it. I can read hours about music and not feel guilty that its not a fantasy story or something that will improve my writing, my music is just as important to me and my heart.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015


Last night I did a group meditation.

I said the epiphany will come.

I came home knowing  the meditation had been relaxing and upon lighting a candle to sit by myself, in my own house, realized I had opened up some path ways.

A few weeks ago I had written the poem of dreaming of Paris and scattered the ideas of exams and school papers through it. it was confusing to some, having the two ideas together.

Sometimes, most times I write, for me to get a message from it, it just took a week and a half to realize why these two images, exams and Paris, were so important together. Paris- is a metaphore for things that I want  now, that I never did want as a child. When I go to make a decision either consiuouly or sub I have always thought I have to take my past into consideration.

If I want to do something I think "well I spent all that time and money getting a theatre degree it should involve theatre, I spent all this time alone, it should involve another person, I spent all this time in school, it should reflect something I learned there... I graduated from school 20 years ago and think I have, hope I have, learned a few more things since then.

Today It's new day and I can learn something five minutes from now that can affect my decision 20 minutes from now. I don't have to keep working to make theatre dreams come true if they don't work for me right now. I have to relax off on the past and focus on the future and what comes at me that makes me happy not use the past as an excuse to make me happy and keep me sad.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Hotel Paris

um not my photo

When I dream, I dream in schools
And assignments
I don't yearn for Paris,
Don't ache to go,
I'm happy in here
The more nights I dream

But here I am in Paris
Just down the street
From the bells of Notre Dame
And the lights from the eclectic skies
Shine down on me

When I dream, I dream in exams
I work to be right
But I'm never right
Not in dreams
Examiner says
Says "all words are wrong."

But here I am in Paris
Yearning for love,
Aching for marriage,
I'm happy in here
In the heart

Here I am in Paris
Holding your hand
Hearing the bells of Notre Dame
And the lights from your eyes
Shine down on me

Memories of books I read
Words of history books, French texts
And that novel...
The word Paris falling off my tongue

Memories of walking through
Countries alone
To walk the streets see museums and
Eat simple meals without butter or flour

I hear Paris without out the tastes of chocolates at Valentines
Without a love that will lead to children and my own family
Without the hope of strawberry's and whip cream in a hotel in Paris

SO There is a hotel in Paris
Empty tonight
I sit with my dreams
And hold hands with the stars
Of the sky I know
Finding myself
In here