Friday, January 23, 2015

The Clock

I was excited this week for my friends' babies; for "her" becoming a grandmother again. For the cake that I couldn't eat in the office for "her" maternity leave. But it made me realize something.

I don't want babies, I've always been too sick, but I've wanted that connection with the right man to want to have babies and heal with him to a point where babies were an option. I've always felt like if the right person came along I could get off the antidepressants and we could have a baby together. But this week. As I jumped up and down and said "I'm so excited for you" I realized that I can still fall in love with my mr right, and we can settle down in our little love nest and heal. But I'm old enough and independent enough that having children isn't an option.

And so I cried today.

Not so much because I would never have children. But because that option is gone now. I didn't have it when I was twenty because I was battling a depression. I can't have it now because I'm old. Sure I could meet someone with kids, I could adopt if I was financially more stable. But to actually give birth, isn't really an option any more.

My friend, only two years younger than I, made me smile when she said we'd have children together cause there was still time, we could be old parents together. But there will soon come a time as I slip into my forties when even that isn't an option.

I read a story once about a girl who found out she was having a baby and she cried and cried, she wanted this baby more than anything, but she cried for the life that was left behind. I don't want a baby, but I morn the life that can no longer be.

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