Last night I did a lot of thinking about who I am. I was depressed because I saw the past 30 plus years as a failure. I saw all the things I didn't achieve didn't finish didn't accomplish. But I was reading Eckhart Tolle, well at least the chapter about the Ego, which I actually didn't hate like the rest of his writing. It spoke to me; I got out of it what I needed.
I heard that I needed to take that near suicide experience and use it as a miracle. Take all that I thought was a waste of time and money and a failure and turn it around. It was a miracle I survived school; survived university and all it's craziness. It was a miracle I moved back home with my parents at 30, not a failure. It was a miracle they were there for me and let me collect myself again. It's a miracle I have the job that I do because there's not a lot of options here in B'town, and it's a miracle that I have Duncanville and the freedom that I've allowed in my life.
It may even be a miracle that what's his face in University wasn't my knight in shinning armour.
I'm allowed to lose myself in the words I create in my search for myself. Buddha teaches we are who we seek. I can search for me and not be ashamed of everything else around me and everyone else opinions. I have learned over the years to cut out what I don't want in my life (like TV) My search is to find me. I search through music and words as a way to describe who I am and how I feel. Words alone don't do it, songs alone don't do it. But the two of them together inspire my voice as it writes, as it speaks, as it sings. That makes me not just another person, but that makes me a miracle, as well as my actions. (that's written in the Hello Kitty note book)
Since I am seeking to find myself, I look back over the years and see how I put myself second. How, even though I don't have kids, I have put myself second to other people. Since all I do is write and live by myself, I can put my time into other peoples dreams. That started coming to an end two weeks ago.
I remember a friend coming back from away. He came back for jr High School and sat beside me, we were best friends, and my self esteem was so low that I didn't want him to talk to me in case people thought he was as uncool as I was. I was second to the people around me.
I remember getting my first "real job," not set out for a student, and my boss telling me, they didn't really want me they wanted someone else. Someone that all the boys wanted as a friend as well. I was second to her for the years I worked at the job, they kept her and eventually we worked side by side and are still friends but I was always second to her. I knew I wasn't as liked, as wanted, as someone else.
And in most of the men I've fallen in love with were good friends, but there's always someone else that he likes more, so I'm a friend, I'm second. And I have to realize this, in it's own way, is a miracle. That in most cases it has shown itself to be a miracle as I get to know these men better.
So where do I go from here? I go into a future encompassing all sorts of believes and understanding of my soul and my body and my love. I am after all the only me I've got.