Sunday, June 15, 2014

The Wedding

I say this cautiously. Last night after a few rum and cokes I decided not to take my antidepressant and anti psychotic. I say it cautiously because I know, like me and gluten, some people don’t get a cheat day. It’s left me open and vulnerable to the thoughts in my head. The voices all around me, a joy and a tingle and a fear and tears always the tears when I’m not medicated right.
I would love to go off them, but know I could never hold down a job, they were described to me as a band aid the other day and I agreed it was a band aid I needed.
Like every weekend morning I get to write my morning pages. Today I was drawn back to a memory of me being very young and helping my mother as she volunteered at the local animal shelter; Something that has shaped me into the person that I am and my beliefs in animals and their rights, people and their rights, myself and my rights.
There was one day we were there that a woman came in crying because she was getting married and her fiancé was allergic to cats, so she had to give them up. I learned some things that day about people.
30 years later I drive past a wedding and cringe. I’m asked if I’m alright.
“I don’t like weddings.” I said and didn’t stop to wonder why.
I just now realized that while young woman my age were imagining weddings and what kind of wedding gown they were going to wear, sneaking their mothers modern bride mags I was learning something different about weddings, seeing another side.
I’m starting to accept this animal lover, rather than be ashamed that I don’t feel the same way about things as other people. I’m learning to share what I’ve learned and who I’ve become.  I’m learning how important it was to learn this respect at a young age, even if it does mean I’m different.
I remember an adult, I still consider a friend today, saying you don’t give up your cats for a man. And I think I learned in that moment to be a feminist as well as an animal rights lover.
You don’t sacrifice that kind of love, that part of yourself, to be in a relationship. Stay true in who you are don’t sacrifice such a huge part of yourself for a man, it’ll only come back to haunt you.
I think of some of the shit I heard when rescuing a cat a little while back, and wonder if her friends encouraged her to “give up the cats for true love.”

When I look at Izzy and Tini and say “I love you little ones.” I know what I’ve learned I getting here, and that my life will revolve around making sure they stay with me. I don’t take on the name MAMA lightly.

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