Thursday, December 19, 2013

Grateful Light Grateful Darkness

Today I am grateful for my apartment and my cats, who with their companionship have peeled back some of the darkness. With their cost and the extra cost of rent have made me see life living paycheck to paycheck,  I can’t buy myself out of a moment I have to think my way out of the moment. I’m coming in closer contact to the core of being me. Writing an hour every night has me peeling back truths while still focusing on fiction a whole new reality and strength. And slowly I look into the mirror and see who I am.

I did something the other day, I was walking up the hill and thought about how much I hate my life. I felt exhilarated to know this bit of information and know that if I could feel this, I could handle everything that was thrown at me; I could heal. This was going to be a great turning point in my life. It was scary for a moment and then I thought “it’s ok to heal from here.”

Now, almost two weeks later there is a darkness; the honesty keeps coming: I’m not 21 anymore, I’m glad I’m not still working at the museum because I wasn’t happy. I haven’t done anything I wanted to as a child except not get married. And that is wrapped in an unhappy memory of hating my childhood and not wanting to put any other child through that again. That is the darkness that I have come upon this Christmas. We dance every day to get rid of the darkness. I write everyday to see the light.

So while everyone is wearing Christmas hats and exchanging  pot lucks I can’t eat and gifts I can’t afford this year, I’m stripping back the layers to find the light. There’s light, but there’s a lot of dark.

I can’t work fast enough to please myself at work, I can’t write fast enough to please myself at home, I can’t keep the house clean enough I sleep too much. I still
accidently eat food that makes me sick and  sets me back a few days on the emotional train.

I think I’m on the verge of a spiritual transformation, not just on the surface, but on another layer down, a deeper level and there’s a lot to struggle with along with daily life. The past 30 years I’ve just been a child, I’ve just been playing saying “everything is wonderful because it’s as it’s supposed to be.” Today it’s not as it’s suppose to be. Today there is a new reality: I want, I need, I dream.

Today I am raw, there’s no wrapping paper that shimmers and shines, do duct tape covering the mouth tying the hands, I’ve broken free and it is both light and darkness.


Today I am grateful for my apartment and my cats, who with their companionship have peeled back some of the darkness. With their cost and the extra cost of rent have made me see life living paycheck to paycheck,  I can’t buy myself out of a moment I have to think my way out of the moment. I’m coming in closer contact to the core of being me. Writing an hour every night has me peeling back truths while still focusing on fiction a whole new reality and strength. And slowly I look into the mirror and see who I am.

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