Saturday, December 21, 2013

Cold Heart Warms

Love for me is not whether or not I have a boy friend. I had a teacher in High School say that you didn’t feel real love unless you were in a relationship with someone else: Married, partnered etc.

It’s something that has made me sad, made me feel unloved, made me feel like I’ve failed. That I can’t tell people about my love when they ask me because
I’m not successful in relationships with a man (I’m straight so that’s the preference.)

When people talk about the sacrifices they make to be in a relationship, time, personality clashes, insults, they cant make a decision alone. I know I couldn’t be part of that type of relationship. But I still feel immense love for those around me and fall in love with many people,  And take time out from being me to -see- them.

I was curled up on the couch having a Saturday nap and thinking I needed someone to cuddle with to take this cold feeling out of my heart. It’s something I’ve healed for the past 37 years on my own it’s something I can heal today. This cold heart was met by two kitties, one on each leg and we cuddled.

Then I picked up Marianne Williamson and began to read about love. Nowhere does she say your love is defined by that of your love with your partner. It’s your love of god (I’m and atheist, so it’s my love of the energy around me, of the universe.)

My love is defined by what I give to my friends, myself, my family, my babies (the cats).I’ve found the love that works for me and I have permission to have that love grow strong, I should not feel weak and a failure because I’ve learned to love myself and others in the process.

Isn’t that pretty amazing I’ve been searching for love and all this time it’s been inside of me. I was just believing that everyone else was right and I was wrong. I’m different maybe yes, I may not fit into every group of people who are defined by a different love, and heck some people may be haters and not like that I live alone, or feel this way, but really I’ve found a love of myself that I didn’t have when I was young, and that’s got to be a step in the right direction.

Is there room to learn more
Does ego and fear get the best of me at times
But can I start with the foundation that the way I love is natural and Ok for me

1 comment:

  1. There is nothing more soothing than a couple of cats.

    I have always found that once I go to the point where I did not care as to whether I would find a relationship one surely showed up.