Thursday, December 6, 2012

Facing the Excuses

The first excuse I faced was moving out of the old apartment. There were a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t take this place, but it had a decent price a sunroom and I could have a cat. No more excuses out with the old in with the new.

I didn’t go right out and adopt a cat, even though people were sure the day after I moved in I’d have five. I made excuses: I wanted to get used to the house, to see what it would cost, to build up a little after I spent a lot moving (yes mama and papa helped). Could I afford her, was I healthy enough to take care of her, was I mature enough, would my lifestyle allow it.

Finally there were no excuses it was my birthday I was crying because I wanted a kitty. I still have no money and I’m still getting used to the house, but I have the friendship of a kitty; I’ve wanted that for a long time. Last night we rubbed noses (Kitty Kisses) for the first time.

There was a rush; a succeeding, a breaking through of the darkness.

Last night I couldn’t sleep with the light off. I had to turn it on. I wasn’t afraid of the dark; I was letting light into dark places. When I woke up this morning I felt good and did chores around the house rather than morning pages- so I didn’t do any heavy thinking, but I let things process in the unconscious, I guess.

And all of a sudden at my desk today I thought “I keep making excuses.” I keep making excuses about my debt, my debt is the reason I don’t have a credit card, don’t travel, don’t have a house.

I believe I can’t do anything about my debt, it’s been too long, why should I bother, I’m broke anyway so there’s no way to pay it off, it’s fine the way it is. But I know how great facing those excuses are. If fix my debt, I stop making excuses about traveling and buying a house. I see that although it’s a lot of work the payoff is grand. So this year it’s about facing the excuses so I can sleep with the light off.

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