Saturday, November 24, 2012

... from the centre looking out...

I never think about how long I’m going to live: I never say “I’ll do it when I’m 60.” I always live in the day. I will live until this moment stops being a moment.

Some people have 10 year plans, and say FML, and want “’today’ to be over.”Today never stops, this moment never stops, so I live in the moment and make it so it’s good, see the good in it.

Lately I’ve lived in the moment and know that it’s in the now, this moment only comes now and I need to keep living now and planning with what I have now.

 I used to imagine different futures for me, I’d go for a walk and imagine I was talking to someone I’d meet in the future, who wasn’t there. I would just dissociate myself from reality and find a better one. At the hotel I would imagine myself working in the film industry. Today when I’m alone I work on a story or when I’m with people I don’t disappear. I was at a friend’s house the night I got Izzy and when I stopped being in the moment and started thinking about being home with her I knew it was time to leave.

I had a dream the other night that I said “good bye” to directing theatre. In my head, I was supposed to be a great actress and director and writer, triple threat “core” style. I was supposed to be able to do anything you needed in theatre, you just call me up and say “I need someone to do this” and I would do it.

I saw a post on facebook this morning to go see a Daniel McIvor play in the city and usually I would realize how distant I am from what I studied in school and think that I failed. Today I smiled and said “I’m here in B town doing my thing.”

My thing is to focus on writing, and storytelling, and there’s a lot of work to do to get it to the standards I want. But now I can sit in my little couch in B town with my cat and instead of thinking “I should be in the city doing theatre, I can think: “I’m in the right place, working on writing.”

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