Saturday, November 24, 2012

... from the centre looking out...

I never think about how long I’m going to live: I never say “I’ll do it when I’m 60.” I always live in the day. I will live until this moment stops being a moment.

Some people have 10 year plans, and say FML, and want “’today’ to be over.”Today never stops, this moment never stops, so I live in the moment and make it so it’s good, see the good in it.

Lately I’ve lived in the moment and know that it’s in the now, this moment only comes now and I need to keep living now and planning with what I have now.

 I used to imagine different futures for me, I’d go for a walk and imagine I was talking to someone I’d meet in the future, who wasn’t there. I would just dissociate myself from reality and find a better one. At the hotel I would imagine myself working in the film industry. Today when I’m alone I work on a story or when I’m with people I don’t disappear. I was at a friend’s house the night I got Izzy and when I stopped being in the moment and started thinking about being home with her I knew it was time to leave.

I had a dream the other night that I said “good bye” to directing theatre. In my head, I was supposed to be a great actress and director and writer, triple threat “core” style. I was supposed to be able to do anything you needed in theatre, you just call me up and say “I need someone to do this” and I would do it.

I saw a post on facebook this morning to go see a Daniel McIvor play in the city and usually I would realize how distant I am from what I studied in school and think that I failed. Today I smiled and said “I’m here in B town doing my thing.”

My thing is to focus on writing, and storytelling, and there’s a lot of work to do to get it to the standards I want. But now I can sit in my little couch in B town with my cat and instead of thinking “I should be in the city doing theatre, I can think: “I’m in the right place, working on writing.”

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Her New Home

I’m trying to write. But it didn’t start out a writing day so I’m not focused, maybe after supper. I woke up this morning and went for a walk at 8:30 the frost was all over the grass sparkling in the sun and B’town was relatively quiet. I went to get groceries and had a nap.
I forgot to mention something.

I turned *30 cough* on friday and on my birthday late in the evening mom encouraged me to look at the Local Shelter cats on the internet as I had showed interest in adopting a kitten a few days before... that’s a story in itself.

So after a few wine glasses of Strongbow Mama Duncan and I read animal shelter postings. This is what caught my eye as well as the eyes of "the bestest:” Tinker has been at [this shelter] for several months now and is looking for a special home. Tinker will need some extra TLC, she can be a bit scared and shy, she is fine when picked up and enjoys the attention but can seem a bit stand-offish at first. Tinker needs that special person to be patient with her and give her a special forever home.

I thought "I could do that. I’m this person.” There were a few cats I was interested in, but the lady at the shelter took me right to the adult cats I asked about and said "we’d save the kittens for last." We never got to the kittens and Tink/Izzy is getting used to her new home.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Gerard Manley Hopkins

There’s more here in my new apartment; more happening. I pulled out one of my poetry books this weekend and started with Gerard Manley Hopkins. He was the first person in the book. I looked him up on Wikipedia and then googled each one of his poems that I read. It was a first class poetry and writing lesson. From themes and images and rhythm and meter, I learned. I am in the process of creating a poem like I haven’t created in years, I was hoping to post it last night, but unlike the poems that I just post after I brainstorm this one is evolving and growing there’s a story a setting tension and images that need to build and then when I get all that done there’s alliteration to worry about and to make sure the meter doesn’t make it sound hokey. It could take a while.