Friday, October 19, 2012

My Lover

You can be single, not have children, and still feel amazing love.

I was looking over facebook this morning and saw yet another post about how you haven’t felt love until you’ve had a child. I know there is no other love like a child growing in your tummy and calling you mom. I also know there is no other pain like it. I want to tell you that I have felt amazing love. I know I love myself.

There is a lover I have inside myself. She has patiently sat alone in a cold bachelor apartment and let me cry and cry. This lover has listened to everything I have said; the first hour was always spent finding out what made me cry, the second hour was calming and explaining the situation how it happened why. The third hour we talked about how to change it so we grew and moved past it.

There is a lover I have inside myself who cleaned hotel bathrooms to keep a roof over my head and food on the table. It wasn’t easy and I was up against a lot of people who didn’t want me to succeed didn’t think I could succeed. But I did it for me and theatre and writing and independence.

There is a lover I have inside of me that knew I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I called my parents and they brought me home. I was 30 and couldn’t take care of myself. But I loved myself enough to put all my pride all my dreams aside and work on me. We started back at step one, side by side.

Now my lover is rubbing my back and saying, you’ve done very well, and asking me to call the best friend up for a walk, invite people over for wine and hummus, to let people inside to know the love, the trust of others, let them love the me I’ve created, the me I’ve made strong and loved like no one else has loved.

My love for myself is unbound and I will follow myself into complete darkness to bring myself out alive.