Monday, October 29, 2012

Constant Quest

                                                                                                                    not my photo
This time of year we need a fall storm to pull the leaves from the trees. This year the people are talking about Sandy.

 It will be my first storm in the new apartment. On the second floor of a well contained box a storm was not a fear. On the ground floor of an old house, the kind you have to wear shoes in all the time because the hardwood floor is right on the ground and cold; the kind where they just sealed up a hole in the window, a hurricane is a learning experience. All Hurricanes get compared to “the big one” though and this one is only supposed to bring rain not the wind. I live on high ground, so I’m not worried about the rain other than to walk to work.

The new apartment has been visited by many. I have received plants and gifts and the story tellers came and told stories and sang ballads in the living room. They even set up a skit, that I was part of, without knowing it, about the new house and the girl on a constant quest.

Everything is all set up, there is a sun porch and the days are still warm enough to sit out and write, or share hummus with friends. There are a million windows that let the sunlight in and the kitchen is too cute.

Although I truly believe I live here and don’t wake up in the middle of the night and wonder where I am, I can’t believe how lucky I am to be in a place with such character and charm.

The street I live on is great to walk down and the fall leaves over the hills and on the sidewalk is like walking in an orange candy land.

Friday, October 19, 2012

My Lover

You can be single, not have children, and still feel amazing love.

I was looking over facebook this morning and saw yet another post about how you haven’t felt love until you’ve had a child. I know there is no other love like a child growing in your tummy and calling you mom. I also know there is no other pain like it. I want to tell you that I have felt amazing love. I know I love myself.

There is a lover I have inside myself. She has patiently sat alone in a cold bachelor apartment and let me cry and cry. This lover has listened to everything I have said; the first hour was always spent finding out what made me cry, the second hour was calming and explaining the situation how it happened why. The third hour we talked about how to change it so we grew and moved past it.

There is a lover I have inside myself who cleaned hotel bathrooms to keep a roof over my head and food on the table. It wasn’t easy and I was up against a lot of people who didn’t want me to succeed didn’t think I could succeed. But I did it for me and theatre and writing and independence.

There is a lover I have inside of me that knew I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I called my parents and they brought me home. I was 30 and couldn’t take care of myself. But I loved myself enough to put all my pride all my dreams aside and work on me. We started back at step one, side by side.

Now my lover is rubbing my back and saying, you’ve done very well, and asking me to call the best friend up for a walk, invite people over for wine and hummus, to let people inside to know the love, the trust of others, let them love the me I’ve created, the me I’ve made strong and loved like no one else has loved.

My love for myself is unbound and I will follow myself into complete darkness to bring myself out alive.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Freedom Songs

I sing freedom songs
From my pen
15 years of education
From my hands
I’ve grown independence
Like a garden
All people lean together
Find breath in this world
Who I am is a freedom song
I live alone
I hear whispers
But people still help me
Want to see me succeed
And I am a woman
I sing freedom songs
Rather than turn privilege
Into dust when all I have
Seems not enough
I give of myself
To someone else
Without loss
Without death
She sings freedom songs
Fighting a war for a home
Her body
Her family
Traded murder for
The gift I had for free
Sing freedom songs
In the quiet and the choices
We’ve allowed our lives to be
Sing it to the world and
Bring the earth
To her feet



Saturday, October 13, 2012

Sky Tides

Sky tides rise
Pink clouds wash in
And bring the day
But only darkness
Reflects like the moon
On the water
My love is gone
My love is gone
He is grounded
Hands crossed on his heart
On the banks
Of the river of thorns
Sky tides falling
Before the sun even sets
Blind is the night
Blind is the day
24 hours of darkness
On the earth
My love is gone
My love is gone
All that’s remains
Is a river of thorns
And a thirst to drink
The water
To feel the sun
That once was


Monday, October 1, 2012

I Wanna Be

Last night I did something I’ve wanted to do since 1990. I found myself my own copy of Jim Henson’s "Story Teller." And I started watching it. I could have watched the whole season one in one sitting, but I was also so inspired that I sat down and edited some of the folk tale I’m rewriting and went over it a few times out loud which I try to do every night but haven't known how to start.  It’s a hard thing to do in my house sit down and tell a story to the wall, but I did it.

John Hurt is the ultimate story teller. I wasn’t conscious of it, but I wanted to be John Hurt when I was 14. Such power in the voice such expression. When I took acting classes our first monologue we were told not to do accents. I did any way. We were told not to do plays outside of acting class, I did anyway. What a different experience if we were told go ahead do accents for a moment be John Hurt and find your own voice within that, find out what you can do, push it to the limits. Who knew that in my 30’s I would be a story teller too? I would allowed to be John Hurt.

Right  now, when I tell, I have so many words in my head, I end up just reciting the story, just trying to get all the words out, but how much fun will I have if I get to sit in my living room and get to do voices and tell the story like a real story teller. And then share it with the crowd. I can do it.