I’ve never seen relationships, of any kind, as positive. I’ve enjoyed them, but there’s been so much struggle with myself. In university we were playing an association game and we were asked how we feel about a white room. I thought death. It was supposed to symbolize marriage. How scientific this is I don’t know, but I got the point real quick, so did the cute boy standing beside me.
In a writing exercise I was working on yesterday it said to identify the lie in the character, the character was based on me. And her lie was that a relationship of any kind would be a trap. Trapped by the day, by the needs and wants of the other person; I’ve always wanted to go at anytime and stay at anytime. Do whatever I want or nothing whenever the feeling strikes. Hmm also, I always walk by houses and think"traps."
A friend is helping me get back into shape. In only a few days I see great success and promise. I have renewed faith in myself. In this little arrangement walk time is a certain time everyday and we’re committed to that time. There’s no “I don’t feel like it right now, I’ll go when I feel like it.” She promised to be there in one way or another through the whole adventure. Not a lot of people make that promise to me. And I thought, and it’s an idea I’ve played with in the past, that it’s time to say it’s ok to need help, and get help from friends. It’s not a trap.