Thursday, August 30, 2012

Spam of Life


I do things by myself, that’s just what I know; what I do, I go to my room and read or write, when someone gives me a task I take what they give me and do what works for me, after all they asked me to do it, I’m expecting they want me to do it my way. Mama Duncan set out the rules when I was very young and beyond that I was allowed to what I wanted. Anytime I was asked to do something I knew my way was right.

I’m not expecting to need to check in every five minutes.  I’m not expecting people to say that my way may not be right, even though they asked me. There was a feeling today of people thinking I couldn’t or shouldn’t do it by myself, it comes up now and then, single girl, lone writer, independent thinker, theatre degree vs business degree.

Mama Duncan asked “was it a test?”

If it was did I pass?

I watch other people need to check in with their loved ones and coordinate and demand and get upset because the other did something someone didn’t want. Compromise, give and take.

I know  I can do it this way, I’ve been doing this by myself for a long time, it hasn’t been perfect, there are “days” when the dishes go undone (I caught up tonight yay) there are functions I don’t go to, there are beer I don’t drink, and I share my desk with the spam of life. But that’s what I do, I do it by myself. And I’m still alive. Knowing when I can’t do it by myself anymore or knowing that when I don’t need to do it by myself any more I will take a step forward. When I fall forward, if someone is supposed to be there they will be. They won’t test me, they’ll  help me along.

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