Tuesday, August 28, 2012

many mantra

I had a “many mantra” weekend which had led to great results.
The first one is “have confidence.” It’s hard to have confidence, I get so sick at times. I used to get hauled into the bosses office many times a week and didn’t understand. I sleep all the time and dodn’t trust myself to make commitments because I dodn’t  know what is real and what is the illness. So to have confidence in myself is big. But when things have gotten tough the last couple days I’ve thought “be confident” and I’ve felt better.
“I am not crazy.” That’s a hard one. I’ve spent many years being an outsider, seeing the world different. But I’m appreciating who I am and how I see the world. I'm different but it’s Ok. Tonight I forgot what the word for carrot was. Instead of being embarrassed I made a joke about it and carried on. Damn it’s hard to get half way through offering people carrots and forget what they’re called. It’s not crazy it’s who I am.
 “I will find people who like me for who I am now." (this includes both sexes). There’s always been such a drive to be “an artist” work in theatre and film and such shame when I have to explain that I’m not doing more. When I dream of making new friends it’s as a writer whose work is being published and produced around the world, that is when I believe I will find people who will appreciate how successful I am. Writing it makes it sound really F%$cked up. But that’s what I fantasized, I could only imagine myself finding a lover when I was truly successful, the person I am now wasn’t good enough.
So with confidence in who I am now, I know that I’m not crazy (ok I am and I have a list of reasons why) but I can have it as a mantra and that people will like me for who I am now, I’m sailing ahead and accomplishing things.
Tonight we had a story tellers meeting, and I felt confident giving feedback and sharing what I know, I wasn’t afraid of who I am or what I learned when I was sick and unhappy. I was liked for who I am now, because I liked me for who I am now.

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