Thursday, August 30, 2012

Spam of Life

I do things by myself, that’s just what I know; what I do, I go to my room and read or write, when someone gives me a task I take what they give me and do what works for me, after all they asked me to do it, I’m expecting they want me to do it my way. Mama Duncan set out the rules when I was very young and beyond that I was allowed to what I wanted. Anytime I was asked to do something I knew my way was right.

I’m not expecting to need to check in every five minutes.  I’m not expecting people to say that my way may not be right, even though they asked me. There was a feeling today of people thinking I couldn’t or shouldn’t do it by myself, it comes up now and then, single girl, lone writer, independent thinker, theatre degree vs business degree.

Mama Duncan asked “was it a test?”

If it was did I pass?

I watch other people need to check in with their loved ones and coordinate and demand and get upset because the other did something someone didn’t want. Compromise, give and take.

I know  I can do it this way, I’ve been doing this by myself for a long time, it hasn’t been perfect, there are “days” when the dishes go undone (I caught up tonight yay) there are functions I don’t go to, there are beer I don’t drink, and I share my desk with the spam of life. But that’s what I do, I do it by myself. And I’m still alive. Knowing when I can’t do it by myself anymore or knowing that when I don’t need to do it by myself any more I will take a step forward. When I fall forward, if someone is supposed to be there they will be. They won’t test me, they’ll  help me along.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

many mantra

I had a “many mantra” weekend which had led to great results.
The first one is “have confidence.” It’s hard to have confidence, I get so sick at times. I used to get hauled into the bosses office many times a week and didn’t understand. I sleep all the time and dodn’t trust myself to make commitments because I dodn’t  know what is real and what is the illness. So to have confidence in myself is big. But when things have gotten tough the last couple days I’ve thought “be confident” and I’ve felt better.
“I am not crazy.” That’s a hard one. I’ve spent many years being an outsider, seeing the world different. But I’m appreciating who I am and how I see the world. I'm different but it’s Ok. Tonight I forgot what the word for carrot was. Instead of being embarrassed I made a joke about it and carried on. Damn it’s hard to get half way through offering people carrots and forget what they’re called. It’s not crazy it’s who I am.
 “I will find people who like me for who I am now." (this includes both sexes). There’s always been such a drive to be “an artist” work in theatre and film and such shame when I have to explain that I’m not doing more. When I dream of making new friends it’s as a writer whose work is being published and produced around the world, that is when I believe I will find people who will appreciate how successful I am. Writing it makes it sound really F%$cked up. But that’s what I fantasized, I could only imagine myself finding a lover when I was truly successful, the person I am now wasn’t good enough.
So with confidence in who I am now, I know that I’m not crazy (ok I am and I have a list of reasons why) but I can have it as a mantra and that people will like me for who I am now, I’m sailing ahead and accomplishing things.
Tonight we had a story tellers meeting, and I felt confident giving feedback and sharing what I know, I wasn’t afraid of who I am or what I learned when I was sick and unhappy. I was liked for who I am now, because I liked me for who I am now.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

lessons from an epic fail

Don’t be afraid of showing someone all that you are, if you look at them and think “I may know just as much as they do or more," keep going, give it your all, intimidate them with your knowledge rather than having them walk away, thinking you know nothing because you were scared and didn’t give yourself all the credit you needed.

Know your voice, know who you are and what makes you special; I know I’m different but only sharing parts of that different will only confuse people, go big or go home. Show them all your crazy so that when it comes full circle they realize you know how to use it to your advantage and it makes you powerful and strong.

Take the full dose of medication that the Dr prescribes and when he changes medication dump the old stuff so you don’t take it by accident the night before a blind date.

note that in being himself 2 people didn't hit the button and one says "I'm country I didn't understand a word you said." There will still be people who don't understand. You will still succeed.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Wear the Sheet Like Sexy

The emotional stuff I can’t talk about. In the last three weeks, it’s been big but needs to be translated into metaphor and symbols and stories. The processing has gone to the secret keeper (in writing) and she knew what I was talking about and the bestestes face to face and they understand as well. So we’ll take a little break and show you a little video.

This video jump started my need to take my writing to the next level, the first time I saw it I was filled with awe and passion.
It made me see how important costumes are, the suits, the firemans uniforms, Martins sweaters. How the cloths fit the occasion and them and character. While I might not regularly think about what a character looks like and focus on what’s happening, I instantly understand while watching this video that the cloths, or the fur, or the skin, and the surrounding need a place in my story.

I began to really think about actions and themes and conversations and how the simplest movement or conversation, of only a few words, in just the right place can be epic. Seeing these small clips isolated and separate from the story really pumps them up. A simple movement can bring a person into the story without them even knowing it, because they are watching the whole thing.

Kudos to the editor of the piece, with the right eyes and ears look what you can do with movement and music. I am moved to want to put everything in just the right place. I want to express how big my stories really are. It made me want to rethink good and evil. What I thought was a decent climax, me who is afraid of going to big, of hurting a character, of causing pain to a character, changed.

This challenged me to take an idea and take it one step further. It shows tension in facial expressions in music in sounds and silences through crispness and lines and commitment.

And mostly the themes. It was commented by a friend with how well the music went together with what was happening.  There’s seems to be a human commonality and humor that can be found in the music and the Sherlock series itself, and again brought fourth universal themes that humans can connect with and really understand. With this deconstruction the reasons that I want to sit and watch this TV show, when most TV makes me bored, was brought to the forefront.  And an inspiration to take a white sheet and make it sexy on the page was born.