Saturday, June 30, 2012

Sometimes You Get What You Want

Last night, after falling asleep, I learned a little lesson, a "ah ha" moment so to speak.

I have what I want.

I was dreaming I was in another high school. I've always said I don't have reoccurring dreams but this is it. I think that my university degree will make more sense if I go back to high school and relearn what I was missing when I went to university, I will graduate from university and high school proud of myself rather than ashamed and embarrassed.

The dream includes struggling with more math problems not reading the books I'm not interested in: Dickens? Really? And trying to find a classroom and teacher in a world I've never been in before.

Last night, I was talking to my co students about where I'd been and what I'd done.

"Wait," said this beautiful blond girl, "You have a degree in theatre? That's what I want."

As we are ourselves in our dreams I guess I want a theatre degree, which I have. I have a home life I love and oodles of writing time, if I get my shyte together, I have a good life. I want that.

The world opened up.

I have something that, not everyone who wants it, has. This year I've used it and vowed to utilize more of my free time for writing and reading and learning, about writers and writing I want to learn about.

Now I just need to get the hard drive fixed on my computer.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Reader and I Know It

When I walk By
Boys be looking like
Damn she fly
Walkin down the street
with my library card, packin heat

This is how I roll
Sherlock Holmes
Shirt under control
I got a pen and pad
And like Stevie King
My writin's mad

Boy look at that hard cover
I I I read books

When I sit by the lake
This is what I see
Everybody stops
and sits by me
Cause I got “The Road”
In my hands and I ain’t afraid to show it
I’m a reader and I know it

When I’m at the mall
I’m walking through coles
I’m stacking books high and tryin not to fall
When I’m at the beach
I got a lemonade and an Eckhart Tolle    
this is how I roll
I got hobbits and wizards
It's time to go 
I'm heading to my home
No shoes no shirt
And I'm on chapter 7

Boy look at that hard cover
I I I read books

When I sit by the lake
This is what I see
Everybody stops
and sits by me
Cause I got “the road”
In my hands and I ain’t afraid to show it
I’m a reader and I know it

Scribble Scribble Scribble Scribble Scribble yeah
Write your story down

Boy look at that hard cover
I I I read books
I’m a reader and I know it

Sunday, June 10, 2012


The hand reaches out
Runs his fingers
Through my hair
My eyes blink
I can’t breath
I can’t see
The fog
Is inside my eyes
Inside my lungs

You’ve suffered said the voice
From inside my head
And still echoing in my ears
That’s ok
There are many people
Who have lost time
Healing Fighting Captured

You are strong now
You can take a step
And then another
Combine your will
With your dreams
Rather than mending
The illness
You are amazing

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Happy Moment Journal

I don’t know why I pulled up the article called “5 Ways to Survive the First Weeks ofMotherhood.” Other than the fact that my friend just had a baby, Baby Ally was the second baby I’ve held in my grown up life, she was less than a week old. My cousin, who I really think of being a woman like me, just had a baby too. So I thought I’d skim over it...

This is number 3

 Keep a Happy Moment journal. You won’t have time to write volumes, but every day snatch a couple of minutes and write down something that amazed you or made your heart melt.

I push myself, the journals are about discoveries but but most of them are hard work. I think everyday is the same as the last. Last week was very long; there was overtime, this led to exhaustion and panic attacks at the thought of going out to do my groceries I thought; “of all the internal pushing I do, to write to keep things going to feel, I need to stop when something goes right, and really appreciate." I need to realize that through the panic attacks there was a great afternoon in bed with four books and a journal. That I ate some great food and felt so much better on Sunday and have had two great runs since then and a great day at work where I wasn’t stressed and accomplished a lot considering I was pushing myself.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Lilacs and Passion

Face of a doll
Feet pointed
On the petal
Of a vibrant purple
Lilac flower

There is a
Scent of spring
A hum
A monotony
It happened last year
And will again

The empty corner
In the kitchen
Where the puppy used to sleep
Her head
On her favorite dolly

The passion;
A cold water tap
In the campground
If I wait for the water
To warm
I turn stale and wrinkled
The tips of my fingers turn blue

So I must warm the water myself
I put it in a pot
Start a fire out of broken logs
And watch the water warm
And then boil
And then I bathe in the tears
I’ve poured