In a race to cure myself depression and such, the part that could be fixed through the mind and not the food part, I’ve read a lot of self help books. One thing they always tell you to do is follow the signs. Oprah loves to tell you to look back on the experience and see what you missed.
Last year when I lost the apartment that I really wanted after it was promised by the land lord, the one with the back yard, flower garden and the chance at a pet (he agreed I could have a rat, I’m not sure if he realized I meant the big kind) The one where the owner said I couldn’t have it and three days before I had to move out I had to ask to stay in my apartment and re-order power and phone. I racked my brain for months.
What did I miss?
Why didn’t I have a pit in my stomach telling me I was wrong?
Why didn’t his tone of voice, or the road signs that I passed, warn me to say no to this great opportunity?
The only thing I could have done differently was logical. I needed to sign the lease the moment he said the apartment was mine rather than waiting till the day I moved it. That’s not a sign, that common sense, but I took his word.
This month I went to a friend, who is always taking writing courses and had just spoken of the one she was taking now, and I thought “be brave Frosty and ask for help.” (Just so you know I suck at asking for help.) I asked her to keep me informed about writing classes she may hear of and she invited me to the one she is taking now. Only one class had happened she could give me the assignment and she was already inspired by the people and teacher.
It was meant to be right?
I’ve had two not so great experiences with this writing instructor, one where I walked away and said “I guess I should stop writing poetry and focus on my plays and stories” and so I stopped writing “poetry” because I didn’t study it in university and couldn’t name a favorite poet right off. The other time I was in her class and I decided to go buy an eggplant rather than sit in her class.
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My friend and I wrote emails and asked if I could be in the class. My friend delivered the poem to my mail box that the writing assignment had been based on. On Friday I got the email saying I could join the 8 week class and the cost was only 150 dollars. Friday afternoon I won 1/3 of that from the 50/50 draw at work. I immediately went to tell Tink about. I said “Maybe winning 50/50 was a sign.”
I was so confused about my decision and where the answers should come from. For the rest of the afternoon I weighed the pros and cons. One minute I was going to make great connections and learn great things about myself as a writer. The next minute I was sitting there thinking about the eggplants. There were no signs to follow, I had to sit down and think it out.
What I learned in retrospect were the questions that needed to be asked before diving into a commitment the signs weren’t there, I needed to create the signs.
This year has been about going from; “I’ll do anything because it’s there,” to stopping and thinking things out and asking questions.
I still believe in signs, tonight, after writing this, I decided I was going to do some simple, “from a book” yoga, for the first time in years, ok like a decade, like, and one of my friends (and my friends never write about yoga) just posted a facebook status of how thankful she was about yoga, yes my friends, that is a sign to follow.