Saturday, April 21, 2012

Light and Dark

There’s a feeling of light and darkness this week. The darkness is the memories of all the years in the city when I had all these opportunities at my fingertips but I wasn’t well enough to scoop them up. The lightness of where I am right now, supported by great friendships and reinforcement that is both positive and honest. I have the strength to tell my friends how I’m feeling right now. I ask for help and tell them what is going on even if the situation hasn’t played itself out yet. Lightness because I don’t have to be perfect and know everything, and can ask for help; lightness because I have ideas about what I want, rather than just taking the day as it comes and accepting things as they happen.

 When I was in my twenties coming out of a very secluded childhood and offered the words of Oprah and Marianne Williamson and Eckhart Tolle and Julia Cameron I would rush to their rules of life and say I need to follow those. Now in my thirties I have some past to build on and find myself looking to that to help with the decisions. It the past few weeks have improved my diet and feel more awake and positive and healthy. It seems as though I have some options. I'm looking at the world differently.

 “Today’s” battle is “never give up your dreams” vs “don’t live in the past.” How much do I keep staying in the present, vs how much do I try to get back all that I trained for; started in university and the two years after when I was trying to do what I loved. It’s the balance I’m working on now. TINK says I’m acting like a true girl in the process, one little thing will happen and I take it as a sign that my whole life needs to be rearranged around the one decision before I even set it in motion. I’ve made so many big plans this week and not set them in motion, have had an idea how they will play out, but they play out differently. There is still motion and all is not lost, not yet.

 I’ve just downloaded The Hunger Games trilogy, for me. I down loaded it for Papa Duncan last month and was still opposed to reading it or having anything to do with it based on the premise of children killing each other for the entertainment of adults. Yesterday I thought about human’s natural pull towards violence. I was reminded of how when I was only five I was excited by the death of the family rooster for supper. I was excited to see it lose its head and run around the yard. I was thinking about how much money is made on violence in movies on tv in books, what part of us are so drawn to that. What makes us so connected so willing to go to violence as an option? How does that affect us turning to help people who suffer and need our help? Yesterday afternoon after having these "violent thoughts" “Mr Principle” said “I just read The Hunger Games and it’s really good.” So I suppose that’s a sign.

 I will be loved

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