Sunday, April 22, 2012

Filling in the Cracks

I want to be the best that I can be. I want to dig in and learn all that I can learn. I’ve looked at my work recently and seen where it is weak. And thought "why would anyone want me in their writing group when I have so much to learn and so little to offer because I can’t figure this out on my own?"

Last Tuesday we were talking about memorizing stories for story tellers and when they found out I was memorizing my story word for word there was a metaphorical “no no no.” It was suggested I draw pictures of six events in the story, so I had something to picture in my head when I got lost. I also realized, just as I had memorized the story word for word, I had written the story word for word, I didn’t know anything more about the characters than what was in the story. I didn’t know where they were going where they came from. This morning I sat down with my journal and wrote about the characters and the actions of the stories from the outside; who they were, what they meant to me, I realized the importance of knowing more than just the words. Maybe this will fill in some of the cracks that I see as weak.

PS This is also how I know people for who they are when they are with me and I have trouble digging in and finding out what's going on when I'm not there...

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Light and Dark

There’s a feeling of light and darkness this week. The darkness is the memories of all the years in the city when I had all these opportunities at my fingertips but I wasn’t well enough to scoop them up. The lightness of where I am right now, supported by great friendships and reinforcement that is both positive and honest. I have the strength to tell my friends how I’m feeling right now. I ask for help and tell them what is going on even if the situation hasn’t played itself out yet. Lightness because I don’t have to be perfect and know everything, and can ask for help; lightness because I have ideas about what I want, rather than just taking the day as it comes and accepting things as they happen.

 When I was in my twenties coming out of a very secluded childhood and offered the words of Oprah and Marianne Williamson and Eckhart Tolle and Julia Cameron I would rush to their rules of life and say I need to follow those. Now in my thirties I have some past to build on and find myself looking to that to help with the decisions. It the past few weeks have improved my diet and feel more awake and positive and healthy. It seems as though I have some options. I'm looking at the world differently.

 “Today’s” battle is “never give up your dreams” vs “don’t live in the past.” How much do I keep staying in the present, vs how much do I try to get back all that I trained for; started in university and the two years after when I was trying to do what I loved. It’s the balance I’m working on now. TINK says I’m acting like a true girl in the process, one little thing will happen and I take it as a sign that my whole life needs to be rearranged around the one decision before I even set it in motion. I’ve made so many big plans this week and not set them in motion, have had an idea how they will play out, but they play out differently. There is still motion and all is not lost, not yet.

 I’ve just downloaded The Hunger Games trilogy, for me. I down loaded it for Papa Duncan last month and was still opposed to reading it or having anything to do with it based on the premise of children killing each other for the entertainment of adults. Yesterday I thought about human’s natural pull towards violence. I was reminded of how when I was only five I was excited by the death of the family rooster for supper. I was excited to see it lose its head and run around the yard. I was thinking about how much money is made on violence in movies on tv in books, what part of us are so drawn to that. What makes us so connected so willing to go to violence as an option? How does that affect us turning to help people who suffer and need our help? Yesterday afternoon after having these "violent thoughts" “Mr Principle” said “I just read The Hunger Games and it’s really good.” So I suppose that’s a sign.

 I will be loved

Sunday, April 15, 2012


I was invited to an Avon party yesterday and wasn’t so excited about it. I’m pretty comfortable with the products I use. I don’t wear makeup, I would rather get up in the morning and write in my journal than put make up on and I’m pretty set with the products I use. My friend makes my soap, my shampoo is dandruff prevention, as I caught the Duncan dandruff gene and everything is scent free, because the soap is spectacular I don’t need hand creams.

I tried on a “step into sexy” shimmering hand cream, I was fascinated by the sparkly hands I had, but spend the hour after I got home trying to wash sexy off my hands.

Then she said this month they are introducing hair dye for 7.99 a box, now there’s like five steps to the hair dye, which freaks me out, but I’m uncomfortable enough with my grays and broke enough that I decided to try it.

The party was a lot of fun, like group shopping in a friend’s home.

Then the bestest and I headed to the second hand bookstore to buy theatre tickets. She had never been to a book store with me so I set out the rules of engagement. “I’m not to look, touch or buy.” She understood.

She did good for the first part and actually told the owner of the bookstore I wasn’t allowed to buy books. And of course this was counteracted by “of course she’s allowed to buy books, what do you like to read?”

“Ian McEwan and Cormac McCarthy,” I figured I was safe as no one gives up Ian and Cormac. She wrinkled her nose a bit and turned around. In a box behind her was Amsterdam, Booker prize winner, she picked it up and underneath it was Atonement. I was waiting patiently for the world to send me a copy of Atonement as I had let someone borrow my copy and never got it back.

Standing strong just got 10 times harder.

I was right, no one gives away their Ian McEwan, she said she took these books from her friends house and had to sell them before the friend found out.

“I’ll give them to you for 12 dollars.” She said I thought for a moment, My Easter money was supposed to go toward an electric tea kettle. “No sorry” I said and motioned us to leave the store.

“10 dollars," she said, "that’s a good deal.” I reached into my purse, pulled out the 10 dollar bill I had, and I never carry cash, and we made the exchange and I left the store. I didn’t mean to barter I just had no intention of buying books. But I did.