Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Lost and Found

I’ve lost a lot of things in my life that I thought I would have forever. And I thought because they were gone, because I had let them go, that I had in some way failed. That I hadn’t worked hard enough, hadn’t sacrificed enough hadn’t chosen to sleep on peoples couches or eat mac and cheese. I thought I would always play the piano (for me) and keep getting better I would sing half an hour every night write every day, alternate between theatre projects and film projects. But then at one point in my life I became sad and unable to do everything. When I wasn't at work, doing a very physically intensive job, I was at home sleeping and I said I have to start from scratch I have to let everything go and see what comes back to me.

The next day I was up early enough to write in my journal but the other things fell behind. Theatre was the first thing to go and I kept going to film classes and tried to make it to independent shoots, but soon the only thing I could do was work and write and I only wrote because without it I couldn’t work. I even started eating fish and chicken to give myself enough energy, but what the fish and chicken were coated in (because I was too exhausted to make my own) was making me even more tired.

2 weeks ago I had my last piece of fish (chicken has been gone for a long time) I had help from a dietitian, although neither of us knew the master plan was to go meatless (there’s still eggs) I just woke up one morning and thought, it’s time.

I wrote on twitter yesterday that writing had always come back to me, and I filled up with warmth, all the other dreams and wants are tied up in a mess of memories and broken hearts, but writing has always been there. That’s pretty intense. Now vegetables are back and I saw a theatre piece that a friend on facebook posted, that she directed, and when the lights changed my heart melted I longed to be somewhere in that theatre being any part of that production. Who knows where that pull will lead me. What else that I let go will come back to me in time? Whatever does or doesn’t I have writing, and a piano in the corner that waits for me when I’m ready.

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