Friday, February 24, 2012

The Future

I ask myself
To fall in love
With the future
I’ve never met

I ask myself
To have faith
In the future
I’ve never seen before


I will have
The courage
To place my strength
Into tomorrow


I will stop
Trying to fix
The past
For the future

I will stand
At the line
Between today
And tomorrow

And reach out
To a future
I’ve never

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Lost and Found

I’ve lost a lot of things in my life that I thought I would have forever. And I thought because they were gone, because I had let them go, that I had in some way failed. That I hadn’t worked hard enough, hadn’t sacrificed enough hadn’t chosen to sleep on peoples couches or eat mac and cheese. I thought I would always play the piano (for me) and keep getting better I would sing half an hour every night write every day, alternate between theatre projects and film projects. But then at one point in my life I became sad and unable to do everything. When I wasn't at work, doing a very physically intensive job, I was at home sleeping and I said I have to start from scratch I have to let everything go and see what comes back to me.

The next day I was up early enough to write in my journal but the other things fell behind. Theatre was the first thing to go and I kept going to film classes and tried to make it to independent shoots, but soon the only thing I could do was work and write and I only wrote because without it I couldn’t work. I even started eating fish and chicken to give myself enough energy, but what the fish and chicken were coated in (because I was too exhausted to make my own) was making me even more tired.

2 weeks ago I had my last piece of fish (chicken has been gone for a long time) I had help from a dietitian, although neither of us knew the master plan was to go meatless (there’s still eggs) I just woke up one morning and thought, it’s time.

I wrote on twitter yesterday that writing had always come back to me, and I filled up with warmth, all the other dreams and wants are tied up in a mess of memories and broken hearts, but writing has always been there. That’s pretty intense. Now vegetables are back and I saw a theatre piece that a friend on facebook posted, that she directed, and when the lights changed my heart melted I longed to be somewhere in that theatre being any part of that production. Who knows where that pull will lead me. What else that I let go will come back to me in time? Whatever does or doesn’t I have writing, and a piano in the corner that waits for me when I’m ready.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Inside Outside Upside Down

I went to a story telling workshop on Saturday and we did some memory games. One was a tour of a house we used to go to. I chose the one I grew up in and my parents still live in. I started at the door way and worked into the living the kitchen and under the eaves. Then we were told to explain what we saw inside the house. I was quiet and ashamed, I didn’t have all these great memories, everything I remembered I put there.

Except for outside the house. We were never asked about outside.

Outside the house, I was hit with memories that came on their own. I remembered the porch before the renovations; when the entrance way was just a box. There were goats and chickens and dogs. And the old barn that needed to be torn down because it was a safety hazard, and the old barn that’s still there. Soon I became strengthened by the memories outside the house. I realized that growing up, our world took place outside.

As I became a teenager I spent hours in my room reading and listening to music and doing homework. But so much of the Duncan lifestyle, especially when we were young, happened outside.