Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Unlocking a Mystery

I thought I was a mystery sad and locked up inside, empty and ghost like; out of peoples radar, I didn’t think I was projecting a personality when all the while this lack of personality, this dissatisfaction, was what I was sending out, I was afraid to show the real me, the one who thinks it’s Ok to pack up her teddy bears for a photo shoot or spend all day writing, this part of me is what I was afraid to share with friends. I’m slowly letting people in.

I said that I was afraid of not having a husband, of not having children, that even though a lot of it is my choice I’m still afraid that it’s wrong. And that’s making me feel like I’m wrong, so I need to move beyond that. I need to turn my focus away from what I don’t have, and see what I do have; right now.

I read a small piece, and had it up on my wall for a while, I think I threw it away, about a single man who said he was alright being single and he would play his Bass for hours in the night, to no one else but him, the person relaying the story, who spent a few nights at the Bass players house, said that hearing him play, he realized his friend did know what love is.

I always thought I had to strive for that with my piano, I thought it could only be with music.

I think I have that with paper and pen, I didn’t plan on it, it just happened. Sometimes it’s messy, sometimes it’s pretty, but I always come back to it, trust it, need it. Want to make it better.

Sometimes it's just for me, other times it touches others.

I wanted to be able to tell my friend why we don’t talk on the phone, that I save it all for the pen and paper, but the great step is that we were sitting and talking, so some of that love is being passed out to other people face to face.

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