Sunday, January 29, 2012
The id is the unorganized part of the personality structure which contains the basic drives. The id acts according to the "pleasure principle", seeking to avoid pain or displeasure aroused by increases in instinctual tension. Rycroft, Charles (1968). A Critical Dictionary of Psychoanalysis. Basic Books.
I had to gain my quote from Wikipedia, as with the 300 or so books to my collection I have no Freud or Jung... note to self get more Freud and Jung. I’ve been running on the power of my id, encouraging my child like fantasies, like moving to the city and start doing theatre and travel and fall romantically in love without putting any effort in it. Having all the pieces fall into place and create a great script a great story and people will see I'm great. Without any pain.
I had notes in my journal this week that I wanted to see more of my province I wanted to work on creative writing projects again. The journal said look in the backyard. My body is telling me I'm not happy something isn't right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Today I was part of an amazing meeting for world story teller’s day. The ladies planned everything down to the minutest detail, and I watched and learned. It was fascinating. And I said, this is real this is what I need to put my energy into, not the fantasies. This is something worth working for.
As a participant I will create and tell stories and we have different places to go, one place called Aspotogan, I have never heard of before. So I’m getting to visit and be creative. This is real, this is something for me something to hold on to.
Today I talked to a dietitian about food and I cried, and I realized I was being myself, I was the girl who was tired and worn out even though the food she was suggesting was supposed to give us more energy, I was weak and worn out. I couldn't say this is great, I was honest I was me I let her see into a bit of the person who struggles daily, with food.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Last night, being of sound mind and body, as opposed to the night before, when my brain was wound tight and I fell asleep at 9, I did a meditation where I listed some affirmatives, I reached out just to the area around me and asked for help knowing that I was beautiful and smart and successful and loved. Last night I had a dream that myself and my current friends graduated from high school (even with a 55% in math) and I looked at them and said "I don't know what to do now that I've graduated."
I thought that is probably a big problem I had when I graduated I no longer had the structure of the classes and deadlines to finish a paper or a play at a certain time. I know I switched over to the hotel for the steady hours and now that I have a deadline I am actually able to complete (ok sort of) a story a month, I think for a long time I wanted to be free of schedules and be a free spirit but I think I need to have a schedule and deadlines and grounding.
This led to me thinking about needing and asking for help, reaching out to the world around me to ask for help believing in myself led me to think about love and friends, I always think I can do it myself, that it's wrong and weak to ask for help, last night, however gently, i began to ask for help and receive answers... wait that means that right now it's feeling pretty good to know this stuff put a big lesson is on its way.
Since then we had help from outside story tellers at our story teller gathering, something that had never happened before. And today I felt like there was a big shift in how I was feeling about the word, this shift has me feeling heavy and apprehensive.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
When I reach a goal, it creates a new goal. I need to work as hard on this goal, to learn what the next one is, we just don’t stop learning.
When I realize a goal, or a piece of me there is great fire and pride and the world is awesome, and then I get taught the lessons of reaching that goal, and that’s harder to face.
When I be myself and speak my mind it’s hard, because right now I’m not sure how to do it and am surprised and the outcomes.
When someone wants to fire you, it doesn’t matter how many committees you’re on, or how many years you’ve been with the company, so be yourself at work and know that whatever happens, happens, and sitting there pretending you don’t exist won’t save your job. (I wasn’t fired).
I gained weight and was told by a friend that she could tell I had lost weight. I can only assume it’s because I look healthy and make it through the day without being too tired or too confused. And right now that’s more exciting than being skinny.
I gave myself permission to be myself and it instantly let down a wall, and I was eating lunch and heard “Frosty I was talking to someone crazier than you.” And I thought myself and other people just became comfortable with who I am and then I had a dream that: reminded me to be myself, but not go around naked.
Being quiet, not saying anything and not participating, does not make people think I am smart and above the conversation.
Just because I’ve learned a lot over the years does not mean I know every thing.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The oldest independent bookstore in the province
Today’s lesson was compassion. I woke up this morning and had the hardest time breaking away from my dreams. I was so sure I was still on vacation and didn’t have to go to work; this after being very sick last night. I’ve narrowed the sickness to 3 things: 2 I can prevent, one I can’t. I thought about just staying home, but if I’m mobile, I usually try out the work. Last time I was this sick, I wrote “agent captured willingness and replay” (something I write on every monitor) and didn’t understand what it meant, so I went home.
Today I swiped my card, to say I had made it to work on time, and I saw a few agents with their hands up. Since becoming QA I rarely think about hands up, we’re not expected to answer or worry about hands, today though, I thought about it “Someone needs a little extra help today I see, they need a guiding hand.”
And then I sat at my desk and was overwhelmed with voices and pictures and trips to Dubai. I apologized and at the start of the day said “I’m not sure what’s going to happen today, I’m not feeling well.” I just longed for silence, which doesn’t happen at a call centre. I started to listen to calls and got the basic stuff so I stayed.
Usually when I ask a question I have an idea of how I want to answer it and want to hear other’s opinions today. Today I asked because I couldn’t do it myself, if my sidekicks weren’t there I couldn’t do some of the harder monitors on my own, when I asked something, I was truly confused.
Not only did I have compassion for those answering my questions and taking the time to help me, I had compassion for myself and anyone who has ever had a question and had no idea. Although it was frustrating I hope tomorrow I will be back to my old self. With a little lesson of compassion still intact in the heart.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I thought I was a mystery sad and locked up inside, empty and ghost like; out of peoples radar, I didn’t think I was projecting a personality when all the while this lack of personality, this dissatisfaction, was what I was sending out, I was afraid to show the real me, the one who thinks it’s Ok to pack up her teddy bears for a photo shoot or spend all day writing, this part of me is what I was afraid to share with friends. I’m slowly letting people in.
I said that I was afraid of not having a husband, of not having children, that even though a lot of it is my choice I’m still afraid that it’s wrong. And that’s making me feel like I’m wrong, so I need to move beyond that. I need to turn my focus away from what I don’t have, and see what I do have; right now.
I read a small piece, and had it up on my wall for a while, I think I threw it away, about a single man who said he was alright being single and he would play his Bass for hours in the night, to no one else but him, the person relaying the story, who spent a few nights at the Bass players house, said that hearing him play, he realized his friend did know what love is.
I always thought I had to strive for that with my piano, I thought it could only be with music.
I think I have that with paper and pen, I didn’t plan on it, it just happened. Sometimes it’s messy, sometimes it’s pretty, but I always come back to it, trust it, need it. Want to make it better.
Sometimes it's just for me, other times it touches others.
I wanted to be able to tell my friend why we don’t talk on the phone, that I save it all for the pen and paper, but the great step is that we were sitting and talking, so some of that love is being passed out to other people face to face.
Monday, January 2, 2012
I am too easy to read, every twitch of my eye every expression in my face tells a story that I thought I was keeping deep inside. I thought my insides were a secret, but I am naked for all the world to see.
Did you know you were vulnerable, cut your fingers every time you play the guitar leave spots on the floor beside the microphone. Slice a piece of skin, every time you make lemonade.
When you walk away from a friend, you’re really saying I need you so bad and they don’t see that your eyes are pleading, because both of you are back to each other.
And did you know you were pretty and loved and that sometimes they just look at you to see your face they walk away silent but really want more; more of your beauty more of your pretty face.
You’re pushing people away because you’re not in the right place, you say this is where the world has led me, where intuition has led me so it must be right. All the while people are pushing you towards the cliff, like they were hunting buffalo you can’t see it, but you don’t know why you’re scared and want to run...