Saturday, December 31, 2011

I have never been to tomorrow and don't know what to expect

I wait in anticipation of the new year. There are days coming at me that I haven’t experienced yet, jokes I haven’t heard and stories that are yet to have been told. This year is already promising greater creativity and health. There will be love of friends and who knows maybe this is the year for romance. There are new lessons to learn about my personality and about my feelings. There will be adventures and zumba. I am in the right place in my life and things are moving forward.

PS I wrote this a few days ago inspired by a line from Julia Child : “I had never been to Europe before and didn’t know what to expect.” I thought that after I wrote that that I would be rushed with good emotions. Instead the world showed my all the negative pieces of me I needed to heal before I could achieve goals like moving forward and finding new stories and strengthening friendships. 2012 is going to bring a lot of work as well.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

New Years Resolve

The duncan tree complete with cookie recipe...

So I guess for the past two years I’ve filled up a binder full of hopes and fears and dreams now last year it was close to the end of January when I felt the need to fill it, but as I looked over it I realize I’ve come leaps and bounds from last year and the year before. So here are a few new years resolutions…

Make it feel like the place I am in my life right now is a success

Cook new dishes

Write new stories and take every writing class I can

Keep going to and learning from the story tellers

Be here, be present

Set aside an hour every night-- there aren’t plans-- to read and write.

Keep learning photography

Enjoy the crushes I have on boys and not be all wrapped up in where the friendship is going

Keep watering the friendships that are around me so they keep growing.

This year I learned what drew me to theatre was the friendships, the energy we created, the meditation, finding myself, games and movement to the music, I didn’t really like performing on stage. I need to focus and have a chance to focus on these things (and writing) this year and I intend to dig deeper.

Instead of waiting for someone else to call me beautiful I will call other people beautiful, but not in a creepy or annoying way

ONE DREAM that I would love to have come true is to own cats

ONE FEAR that I would like to overcome is: “I have a fear that I have no need for a husband and children and that I’m missing out on something special.”

Ok two fears; I’m afraid of being fat…

Year In Review

Hear is last years resolution list and what I've accomplished according to the list.

I want to do stuff with the photo club.
Joined the photoclub for a full year and entered competitions and won an honorable mention and a best new member trophy.

I will keep running, writing, singing and reading.
I stopped running and started zumba still write and read but not singing.

want to take one day at a time and see what it brings, not be limited by a schedule or routines.
There aren't as many fantasies and started to focus on why I am a success as I am.

Learn how to shop for groceries more efficiently
Took 20-40 dollars off my grocery list

I want to learn how to put a little bit of money away
I know have a savings account.

I will keep looking for a place that will allow cats.
Almost moved to a place where I could have a rat but it fell through.

I will keep assessing my future and how to make it more creative and more stable.
Wow that's a pretty big one, work has taken out a ten year lease on the building and seems to be making big commitments that it wants the call centre to work.

I want to make a collection of poetry/stories/ pictures that I can give to my family as Christmas presents in December.
Collection is made and "bound" but I was given some really good criticism in November so the giving part was put on hold

I want to go see live performances.
I went to story tellers circles and told stories. We went to see Cirque do Soliel

I want to see old friends who live "far" away.
Still pretty bound in B’town

I want to join up with writers in B’town.
Joined story tellers who write their own stories and tell them

I want to keep up with blogging and reading blogs.
Not as much as I did the first year

I want to keep growing and keep dreaming.
I’ve had some amazing dreams that have helped my work things out

I want as many things to come at me and surprise me and challenge me as I go after.
I started challenging myself with writing reading and photgraphy

I’m going to be ok with who I am, even if I’m “still single” I will not consider it a failure. (It angers me that I think like that sometimes.)
I’m going to have crushes on guys even if I know I can’t date them

I want to continue to partner up with people who have passions like me, who understand why I do things and push me to be better.
People who work with our energy, zumba and story tellers

I want to strengthen the relationships I have now.
My friendships and family relationships grew stronger this year

I don’t want a person or a job to make me cry as much as I did this year. Even though I believe I had a few years of crying to catch up on.
No tears this year

As per KM Weiland I will write the end on some of the short stories I’ve started this year
I wrote the end put them in a “book” and shared them with people

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Monday, December 19, 2011

Moment to be Me

Photo by mama duncan and me

I’ve always been in a rush, a rush to get to university, a rush to get out of university, a rush to accomplish a great piece of writing, be part of a production that would get me regular jobs doing what I studied. A rush to get well, when I moved home, a rush to get a job so I could live on my own, a rush to get out of the call centre and back to the city and what happens if the call centre closes, call centres are always closing and moving to India.

I had a dream two nights ago that I walked down to the neighbours house, who has hundreds of Christmas lights and invited me to a dinner, as I was sitting there, surrounded by lights and I got a rush over me that said just be yourself, just take your time, be who you really are, don’t be afraid of what other people think about what you’ve done with life, don’t worry about controlling the future or worry about what will happen on a date. Just take one moment at a time.

I was sitting at a gathering with sister Duncan and her bestest and they’ve had years that I can’t compete with, they have their own history and their own stories and their own “language.” I listened, didn’t worry about being as funny as they were or having my own stories or try to break into the enigma of who they were, and at the end as I was leaving I started to talk about what was important to me. About needing to sit on the couch and look out the window and work on my journal. About people rushing around me, because they get bored when they just sit, that’s who I am, my world takes a moment, let my life take a moment, be here.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I Am a Success

Today’s mantra is “I am a Success.”

This morning in my journal I was inspired by a meditation I did over the weekend and said go deeper-- write about more than how good breakfast is (and breakfast was good).

I usually feel like a failure, people will point it out for me to think positive #1 said “My best friend is not ugly you take that back.” A new friend said “Don’t say you ‘just’ take photos and curl your nose up like that.” And friends that I went to university with are doing great things, getting projects mentioned by Hilary Clinton, arguing with Bruce Willis traveling around the country and the world. I always feel a little down when I say I work at a call centre.

I felt a little better when the temporary site manager said the QA’s should be proud of the quality of the calls that the company is achieving, that made me feel a little better. I feel like a failure when I look at couples and wonder what I don’t have, what I’m missing. A co worker said he was thinking about asking me to help with a show (that’s right he never really did, just thought about it) and I was going to say, I don’t think I’m that good any more… How is this sucking my energy? As I was writing all this down this morning I was shocked that I thought of myself as a failure, on such a scale.

Before the meditation on Saturday my friend said “I am Love.” “Of course you are” I said… but it was hard for her to believe it. I wondered what was hard for me to believe. The girls and I went out to see “New Years Eve” this weekend and the only good part of the movie is when Josh Duhamel stands up and says “What would you do tomorrow if you knew you wouldn’t fail? Now do it.” If I went out and did what I wanted I would be a success. I am a success.

I’m not comfortable with “I’m good enough,” because I always want to be learning and changing. But “I am a success” opens me up and lets in the light.

It makes me feel presumptuous that I could say that to the world. I am a success as I am. I can spend the day being a success and succeeding at the things I try. This is fun. Say it loud “I am a success.”

Monday, December 5, 2011

Christmas Cheers

So the week of the 26 was a full week, on Friday night we went to Zumba for 8:00. Saturday morning I did my laundry early so I could go to Zumba for 11:00. I went to get party food (I walk) cleaned my apartment and had #1 over before we went to the staff Christmas party.

Sunday morning I had to go get groceries and then # 1.5 and

I were in the Christmas parade. I worked a 10 hour day Monday. Tuesday we knew we were going to make sample size and Wednesday we were sent home early. But I’d been trying for 2 days to put my story together for story tellers on December 15 so I downed a Starbucks instant coffee, that stuff will wake the dead and wrote from 2-5 and have a story which I’m working on memorizing.

On Thursday I was told I needed a veg day and I agreed. I did Zumba on Friday night, again did laundry in the morning, but I slept in till 9:00 so I was cutting it close. 1.5 wanted to know if I wanted a drive or if I was going to walk, but November has been gorgeous so I said walk. At 10:30 the buzzer rang and I was completely confused.

“Are you going somewhere?” asked Mama Duncan.

“Zumba” and I began to panic Zumba is now my happy fix, in only a month I feel so much better and love it.

“Oh I should go,” said mama Duncan “but I don’t have any cloths.” Since I had done my laundry there was clean Zumba cloths and we went to Zumba and went Christmas shopping afterwards. No veg day.

The line up in Zellars was 20 minutes long and we each picked a separate line up and both of them had newbees at them, one didn’t know how to accept payment with a check and that stopped the line, Mama Duncan motioned that she would pay for my stuff, gum and a gingerbread train for festivus- my Christmas shopping is done. So I pissed off a lot of people by climbing a metal barrier and giving her my stuff.

The person ahead of her bought 200 dollars worth of toys, but didn’t get their free gloves rang in right. The manager was called and it was decided that everything needed to be deleted from the system and re-rung. Mama Duncan’s eyes turned into sauces and she told the girl she needed to be rung through or she would leave. Let’s just say I have a train for festivus.

So yesterday I turned my alarm clocks off and slept in curled up on the coach and let the week swarm in my head. I read a bit of Freeman Patterson’s “Photography and the Art of Seeing.” Which made me want to read my perceptions and sensations book. Which led my dig out my crayons and a sketch book. And I coloured. I don’t draw, but the picture of the mermaid makes me so happy and that’s all that matters right? I feel very good right now.