Sunday, November 6, 2011

On the Walk

I was asked how a gorgeous friend could have such low body image and not realize how beautiful she was. Thinking about it made me realize that last year, when I had lost a tone of weight, I still thought I fat. Maybe that’s why it went back on so easily because I didn’t see my success, to me I was still fat and it didn’t matter if I kept working on it or not, I hadn’t seen what I had done. #1 actually said she was glad I had gained a little weight because she thought I would have blown over in the wind, and I couldn’t see it.

Every year I go to the library book sale. 5 dollars for a box of books and I usually spent 10- 15 dollars. I look at the author, the title, and picture on the front, and if I get the least bit of a pull towards it, I grab it. I picked up one that said “Mid Century Poetry 1940-1960.” I want to dream poetry so I got tossed it in the box. Last night I pulled it out of the pile and all the authors were listed on the bottom of the front cover. I knew some of them. I turned the book over and it said. “Canadian Anthology.” I was so excited that I had chosen to put this book in my 5 dollar box and I would know even more about Canadian Poetry. Then I fell asleep. But the book (along with a few others) are sitting on my coffee table.

Last night I continued with Debbie Ford and looking at all the darkness inside me. The Gaelic Wife said my poem was sad, there’s been a lot of sadness to who I am, but I’ve never given up, and I’ve put it in a place where I’ve still been able to live, and now I’m healthy enough to process it. In the last 3-4 weeks that I’ve been reading the book I found it’s too personal to put in a blog, and the last post was the closet I could get. I’ve also noticed me really enjoying my own company and other peoples company more than I have in a long time, since starting the book.

I started reading Gloria Steinem’s “Revolution from Within.” I’ve only gotten through the introduction, I was always afraid that reading her would say something about myself. I'm not afraid anymore and I already love her power and her insight. She talks about the revolutions in Europe connecting them to the populations self esteem. She said when she wrote the book she totally realized hers self esteem was low even while the world believed she was beaming with it. I remember people like Boris Yeltsin and the falling of the Berlin wall but never thought about it as a growing of self esteem within a population.

And I thought about myself. When I graduated from high school (big breath) I felt I was the epitome of independence, in every play that I did or studied, in every film that I did, I approached it like I knew everything there was to know, maybe this made me sad, made me hate the work, maybe I needed to allow myself to make mistakes and enjoy learning from those around me.


  1. The philosopher Hannah Arendt once said something I agree with:

    "In order to go on living one must try to escape the death involved in perfectionism."

  2. I'm trying so hard to be perfect at not being perfect. :) In all seriousness I feel like the last couple weeks I've let a lot go. This is a great quote, may have to send it to my boss. Cheers