Monday, October 17, 2011

little rooms

I worked through a lot of emotional stuff yesterday. I got down and dug in some deep dirt. I learned how spending so much time by myself especially during the school years , has affected how I react to people as an adult. Doing so many things on my own and expecting such a high standard has also brought me down, not lifted me up 100%. It’s who I am, and it’s gotten me this far, but for me it’s time to be aware of how doing it this way affects the myself and the people around me.

Yesterday I expected that I would go to work and want to reach out to people. I expected to give off great energy and feel open and ready to accept people in a new way. I was on such a high yesterday. There’s such an exhilaration when I uncover a piece of myself… I expected the high to continue. Instead I felt as dreary and heavy as the clouds and rain that was falling.

Throughout the day I felt immense pressure in doing my work better, and was bombarded with ideas and questions all day.

My work will be changed by this. Today I used journal techniques to work out monitors. I couldn’t disappear and do whatever I felt and say whatever I felt.  I had to monitor myself to make sure I didn’t fall in the same pattern I had in the past. It’s easy to say you’re going to be a better person when you’re sitting on your coach reading about the little rooms in you have been cut off from. That’s what the exercise was to find the pieces of you that you’ve closed off. That’s what Debbie Ford told me in her book. That we are born with a full castle and as time goes on we learn to close off rooms in our castle and as adults we need to find those rooms again. At first I thought “I live life pretty much the way I want to so there’s no rooms I need that are shut off.” And then reality called me a B*itch and I started to list all the ways I cut myself off from people. It was a real eye opener.

I no longer need to criticize myself as harshly as I do and impose the structure I put on my own life onto others.

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