Sunday, July 31, 2011
The place where I used to live is far away, 5 years ago I moved back home to be distant of who I was and be someone healthy. I now begin the search for closeness and am darkened by the distance.
I’ve spent so many years running for something better, trying to be someone my body just couldn’t support. I didn’t connect to a place, because it wasn’t good enough. I am learning to ground myself in the present even if it’s not perfect.
I keep myself distant from everyone except a selected few, my soul doesn’t make contact. I can’t always keep up with the stories that others tell, I write them down and keep them filed in a big box thinking someday they will be important and mean something. Someday is today.
I try to comprehend what to do around people, what I would ever do if I got lonely; a friend on a day that I just want to be myself would mean sitting in a corner and wishing I was distant.
There are dreams and there are passages built to get you there. All you need is a chance to get a push off, I thought dreams were all fluffy clouds, there’s a lot of down time and work and tears that creates distance.
The girl far on the other side of the room her tells a story, a gin and tonic in her hand sometimes the ice flies out of the cup and by some miracle it lands back in the liquid. Her voice takes away the distance and I need to explore it with a pen.
“This made her sad this made her happy how does she deal with this?” she asks her friends. I am envious because I can’t, won’t and don’t do that. I don’t want people to know what goes on inside my head, unless it is well edited and my version of right.
It wouldn’t be so difficult if I could drive, walk through the busy streets but it’s all so far away. Where theatre happens every night; magical lights and fantastic music choices that move your heart and make you believe in make believe. A place you can control actions and say something about your life.
But it is here that I am learning to bridge the distance.