Saturday, June 25, 2011


A jumble of unedited words inspired by a dream I had last night

I’m walking through the old school
All the children have failed
And the teachers are crying
The teachers are crying

All the children are feeding homeless cats
Warm milk and rich creams
Crying “I’ve got nothing”
“I’ve got nothing”

And the cats are getting fat
While the children fade away
All they want is better than this
They want better than this

She’s melting butter over her vegetables
Dipping brownies into whipping cream
Humming this is all you need
This is all you need

And all the children
Follow the strong mother
And words start to fall onto the page
And laughter is wrapped around eyes and ears

And the women are strong

Every time I wake up from a nightmare about school I promise myself I never have to go back, I don’t have to sit through the confusion and the boredom and the many things I didn’t understand. What if the dreams want me to go back? What If I yearn to have that much in common with people again being fed constant information, What if the dreams are a yearning to learn more and want more… if this is the case how do I feed that hunger on my own terms?

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Garden of Life

I walked into my garden after work and found the lady pulling up my rose bushes.

“The flowers are dead” she said.

“But even if the flowers are dead,” I said. “You keep the plants; there will be flowers next year. They’re alive.”

“Then buy new ones next year.” She said.

I asked her to leave my lawn.

She paused for a moment and casually picked the thorns from her hand, expressionless.

Then she walked away.

I replanted my roses and built a fence around that part of my yard.

I'm not used to the fence yet.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Carl Lewis

Carl Lewis By Annie Leibovitz

I was curled up on my couch yesterday, covered in my black lab puppy blanket still reading Annie’s book. She was talking about meeting Carl Lewis and that he was in an amazing place mentally before the Olympic, she also said he will never be in that place again. With depression I worry a lot about where I am mentally and have moments where everything comes together and I think now that I’ve achieved it I can keep it up every day forever, I want to strive for that, to be as mentally strong as possible and be as centered as possible but I can’t get so hard on myself when I can’t do it every second of every day. And it’s not a failure to achieve it for a few hours or a day and not be able to get back to that spot for a while.

I did something I’ve never given myself permission to do. I downloaded some really easy reading on my e reader I would never pay money for this stuff; well two books cost 1.10 and the rest were free, and when I wasn’t reading Annie I was reading this. It was so bad I was editing it as I went along. But it wasn’t intense it didn’t give me night mares and didn’t stress me out.

Like Carl Lewis I’m not going to read easy books forever and ever and never finish Blood Meridian or Silence of the Lambs but what a treat to read something that wasn’t perfect and didn’t challenge me to the max.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Shrub

There was a lady standing beside my flower garden this morning. The same garden I tend to everyday, the same garden that has seen an evolution as to how it is tended. This lady pointed her finger and said “this is an ugly shrub, it should be trimmed and pruned and see those buds they should be taken off.”

Last year this shrub looked like it was going to die, I would go to the other side of the garden to have a picnic and I would think about how I to get rid of it when I finally pulled it out. One day I was reading a blog that told me how to care for it correctly and I started giving it special attention and even sitting by it with a book.

This year it looks ten times better than it did last year. I was so hurt that she called it an ugly shrub.

I was going to get mad at the lady, and tell her how angry she had made me and how much work has gone into the shrub, when I stopped and became aware of the power flowing through my veins. The passion. I had feelings for this shrub for this garden for everything I had learned and put into it, and this lady had just taught me that. I knew the truth and when the lady walked away my friend said “it’s a great shrub the way it is; and next year it will be even better. She touched it's leaves and stated, "I saw the notes about it; you’re not supposed to trim it this year. You’re doing a good job."

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Silence of Inception

I started reading silence of the lambs, and after only 80 pages I started to have dreams stemming about murder and I wonder if I can control, or affect what I am dreaming about. I can journal not only about what I have dreamed about, but also what I want to dream about. If I can plant ideas into my head and heart before I go to bed and have that affect my dreams and how I face the morning. Do I start reading more about dreams? Do I take an even closer look at what I’m reading? Is that slipping back into the fantasy world I was trying to get out of? Or is that different?

I watched inception, I heard someone say their daughter got it after 20 minutes, I asked myself what was there to get. I took the story at the basic level. There are many layers of consciousness that a person can get to, and there are many ways that other people can get into your thoughts and affect them for the positive and the negative. How the love for someone or an idea can push you to the edge, much like the adventure for the ring in the Lord of the Rings, there is a need to posses something great... like the inner workings or your mind.

While I was away, inside the mind of depression, I aged in a different way, everyone outside moved on, got married had children and got jobs in the field they studied for. I studied food and depression, and focused on every little breath I took to make it through, so I could get a job and look after myself. I spent every day trying to keep myself going, staying wrapped up inside my head. I worked really hard to get here.

Maybe it's safe to step outside of me. Maybe right now I'm in both worlds.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


Before I went out on this adventure I was wrapped in fear. I spent a good hour, sitting in front of my computer, resolving that it’s safer inside. I was so afraid of the camera and I getting in the way.

I took my camera and tripod and walked down the street like I belonged, I did belong, it was my street. I used that adrenaline to move one more step forward and one more step forward; closer and closer to the action.

I realized I was lost when I looked at all that was going on and tried to decide what to put in the picture. That’s one reason I was scared. I didn’t have any instincts for situations like this. But here I was taking pictures of an actual event, an actual happening and now I desire to know what to look for when taking pictures of actual events.

I walked into a zone of big ladders and crisp walls with my flip flops and still dressed up for the movies. I was allowed to take pictures of the heritage building that burnt down. I stepped out of taking pictures of puppies and flowers.

This adds to the courage I will use on the next adventure.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

In Search of Composition

... but feeling guilty is never a bad thing, you should always question what you do.
-Quote and Photo by Annie Leibovitz

The professional photographer in our group, upon my request, suggested I study and work on my composition when it came to taking pictures. He gave me the name of the book he refers to all the time and I went right down to the independent bookstore, that is still running in B’town, and showed them what I was looking for.

I was told the small publisher that was selling these books had been bought out like so many these days and the big publisher was not going to start sending out "Photography and the Art of Seeing" until October. But what do I do until then?

Saturday I found myself at the Library 15 minutes early for a writing course and I went to look for music books. I haven’t touched the piano in over a month, it’s taken the back seat to writing and photographs. While looking for songs to pull me back to music I saw a book by Annie Leibovitz.

In chapter one she explains that she went to school to study painting and found it too isolated, finding poetry more her style. She was allowed to say this dream that I wanted so much before I don’t want anymore. And look at what she became knowing to make that switch.

I still get nightmares about the theatre department the decision not to stay to do the fourth year. I’m always dreaming I’m back at the theatre department 13 years away from everyone who’s spent their life studying the craft. Maybe this is the permission I need to move on and become great at being the me I am now.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Silence of the Day

I like the way Thomas Harris weaves in Valentine’s Day in the start of Silence of the Lambs. The murderer missed his lover so much that he would sit and read Valentines to his severed head. Dr Lecter said this information would be a great Valentine’s Day gift for Starling as February 14 was just around the corner.

I don’t remember the movie very much, I saw it when it came out on video 20 years ago, sister Duncan and I had the house to ourselves so we went to the local video store and they let us rent it. We had to see it, everyone was talking about it.

I started reading it last night. I asked on Facebook if it was bad that this book was calming me down.

A lot of crazy shit went down yesterday.

It affected me greatly and through it all I sat down with a book and let it all work itself out in the background. I found a way to calm myself and face today strong and willing to get people to help me with the excel mistakes I had made yesterday.

And today I was strong enough to go for my run.

Seeing the pictures make me want to watch the movie as an adult.