Saturday, May 28, 2011
I Looked Back
I love watching TV that leaves me wanting to learn more about my own life and the lives of people around me.
I keep thinking of the Law and Order episode where Stabler had to connect with his mom. She had mental health issues and decided a longtime ago not to take her medication. People will mention this to me, what you give up when you go on anti depressants. I always tell them there was no option. I couldn’t function, I couldn’t get off the couch, there was only one choice to make, take the pills.
This week I went home to hang out with my parents for a few days of vacation, the one bottle of pills rolled under the couch and I was at Ma and Pa Duncan’s without them. I said I was fine but we agreed the next day to pick up the pills and run some errands in town.
Morning time off the meds was all about chatter, I remember talking through the whole cup of coffee. At one point my mom looked at me and started laughing “You’re funny” she said. And then we went to the local second hand cloths store and played dress up, we went through the cloths we thought were interesting and tried on things that we had no intention of buying.
At supper time I took the pill and sat at the table and looked at my potatoes, they were good potatoes. The next morning at coffee time I sat and looked out at the birds, I tried to find the same stories that were there the day before; after all it was still me right? But those stories weren’t there.
“We had so much fun yesterday.” My mom said.
I realized for 1 day I went back in time and met the girl who wanted to get a theatre degree, this was the girl who bounced around her bosses and confused them. This was the girl that people wanted to invite to parties because she was too much fun sober they wanted to see what happened when she drank.
“You know I can’t function like that.” I told my mom.
I can’t, at one point we crossed a small river in my sisters back yard and I had a panic attack because I couldn’t remember going to the other side. All of a sudden the river was on the other side of me. I can’t skip around the office all day talking about random things no matter how funny or insightful they seem, that and I would hate to see the drop from a high like that.
It’s been so long since I’ve been that girl that meeting her again gave me a shock. I realized she was the person I decided not to be. I saw what I was “giving up.” There is a little bit of magic I had in my life that is drowned by a cocktail of anti depressants, so that I can read, talk, live on my own and hold down a job.