Friday, April 1, 2011
Sometimes I need to take a deep breath, go for a walk around the block, and come back stronger.
I went to university with as much experience as I knew how to get. It wasn’t a lot but I had drive and determination and every now and then I’d get lucky and something would happen or make sense. I caught on fast and got my fingers into every piece of the dairy free pie I could, but there was always something missing. I never knew where all this creativity came from, it always just happened. And when I left university it didn’t happen. People would say I was good, but never request me again. If someone wanted a play I could write one, some good some bad, but leave me on my own and nothing happened.
There was more than just the art as this blog is also about the struggle with depression and food, but there was a part about the art that I just didn’t have the capacity to understand. Before I moved home I would walk by a film set and feel anger and hate, doing theatre made me sick.
Today my friend asked me if I was still turning myself inside out for my job striving to be perfect, and only hours before I realized I am not the be all and end all of a person’s call, I do not dictate how they say something and what they say. My way is not 100% right and my decisions are often appealed. That’s also what I learned from talking about Splice and watching Monsters which I was told was better, but through all its pitfalls I still liked Splice. What other people see, hear and do is different than me and I can’t change that.
I have to go back to the grass roots, Tink wants to do Vlogs she’ll be perfect for it she’s pretty smart witty and quick… we had T-roy shaking his head today, I instantly thought I would love to help her, but do not want to do Vlogs, I love what I’m creating as Frosty Duncan and the voice that is slowly poking through. I have been playing with the Video on my camera and thought it would be nice to do spoken word poetry, once I focus a little more on rhythm and alliteration.
I wrote to a real filmmaker and said I want something very simple to start “B’Town style,” I know I can do more, I have done more, but I need to do little baby steps. I need to play with and do what I didn’t have the means or understanding to do before university I need to do some stuff that isn't perfect so I learn to do it. I’ve walked the block or two in life and I came back to B’Town, and I need to learn what I didn’t learn the first time from what I did learn the first time.