Sunday, January 23, 2011

Fast Car

I found this song in my mail box the other day.

I have a cassette tape of Tracy Chapman under my dresser and kept meaning to get a CD copy so I could listen again. Usually if I need a “Fast Car” fix I go to the David Usher version. Which I do have on CD, an I Pod is in the “I want” stage but CD’s will do till then. I have too many toys now as it is. I thought the Kane version was OK so I put in on my shuffle.

So tonight, after locking myself out of the apartment, but not the building, and sitting in the hallway waiting for the Landlord to come home, I went for a jog. A gym membership is looking really good. And this song popped up. I remember when the original song came out and I was in my room, probably writing or doing homework and hearing those words.

"And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone"

I felt like I didn’t fit in while in high school. In university I finally felt like there were people in the world like me; that I could be part of a group, one of our professors in the last year of university called us “The House” so yes we even had a name.

This year it’s come full circle, I have gotten back in touch in some shape or form with “the house” and other people from university are starting to trickle in. I have also made friends with people this year that I can never thank enough, they help me feel like I belong.

It’s amazing that you can hear a song hundreds of times without realizing the meaning, When I was young it was about getting out of the small town and making my dreams come true in the city. I guess I heard what I wanted to.

“You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere”

I wanted to “make it” and I wanted someone to “make it” together with. Still do, although what I consider "making it" is very different.

I just read the last lines…

“You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving”

That’s so not a part of my world; having people in my life that bring me down, telling people that they need to leave. The people I know I enjoy spending time with. I choose carefully and would rather be alone than hurt. I probably keep too much inside, afraid of hurting others. I’ve always been afraid of getting into situations I couldn’t get out of.

But you know what? Huh, there have been people I have told, in one way or another, to keep driving.

Today my friends arms feel nice wrapped 'round my shoulder.

Damn that's a good song.

Does this song hold any meaning for you? Is there a song whose meaning has evolved for you?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Life Itself Excites Them.

I was happy this week to see her friend request in my mail box. She had denied my Facebook request. I worked two years with her husband at the museum and she was my TA first year university. We did hang out on Friday night pay nights. She still does theatre and works with children. Surrounded by kids learning to express themselves and explore their imagination. Kids whose life itself excites them.

I’ve discovered her posts are life tidbits that make me smile.

This week was busy. There is over time to be done and a friend of mine lost her mom.

My tasks at home feel like things I have to do and they are squeezed in one after the other. This one line reminded me that I fill my life with things I love to do, and people who make my life greater. I cook the food I love, the piano makes me smile and I love to read and write. But do I get excited by life itself? Do I remember I do these things because I enjoy them or have they just become tasks I do every day?

Note Jim Pittman was a cook on the ships and gave me a great life opportunity the year I graduated high school. I can't be positive it 's "my jim" in this song but his words and music could be heard across the country.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The End

2. You can finish that first draft. Let this be the year you type “The End” on that story (or stories) you’ve been tinkering with. Unfinished stories are unread stories, and unread stories are unpublished stories. Start building the habit of finishing every story you start.
--KM Welland.

There are many of them in my collection. Poems, short stories, ideas. I have theatre books, film books, poetry books. In the past year I’ve picked up a page of scribble and thought: is it a script, is it a story, is it a poem? I would look at everything that could be done and stall. This weekend I said this is as good as you’re going to be today write it so you can write “the end.” So I picked up a little piece called Concert in the Park and using all the information I’ve picked up from reading blogs and “how to” books, and anything I remembered from school. I edited the first page. I saw it for what it is right now, and edited it with what I knew. The first page made sense (now, tonight, I must tackle page two.)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Corn and Chili Stew

2 cups vegetable broth
1 chopped onion
3 jalapeƱo’s chopped
3 small russet potatoes chopped
3 carrots chopped -I used a bag of julienned carrots
2 cups frozen corn
6 tomatoes chopped (I know it's a lot)
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
1 tablespoon chili powder

Bring broth to a boil "simmer" on medium until potatoes are soft; The book says 15 minutes; I did a load of laundry. I tried to take a picture but the chili was shy...
Inspired By Neal Barnard's Get Healthy Go Vegan

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Hello Eyes

I joined the photo club to learn to take better photos yes, but also because I felt safe with and like the people. I was ready to step outside of work and meet other people.

I don’t like to leave my apartment very much. When I go grocery shopping, I put the hat on my head, turn up the shuffle and focus on one thing: getting in and getting out of the mall as fast as I can, well, maybe with a stop at the bookstore and a look at the shiny objects. There is no time for eye contact.

Today at 11:30 I had a one hour meeting at the bank to help me in my New Year’s resolution of managing money. I thought it would last about 15 minutes so I was without coffee or dinner. I had already decided to get the basics from the grocery store, the things I get every week, broccoli, cauliflower, oranges etc.

I sigh at the people who stare at the isles as if somehow they’ve changed since the last time, as if there’s going to be something between the canned carrots and the peas that was never there before, or perhaps they haven’t written out ingredient by ingredient what they will be eating this week.

I wince as old friends make a dead stop between the dairy and the juice and I get stuck on the dairy side… just one small step and juice would be mine.

I rounded the corner, toward the organics and gluten frees listening to whatever was playing on my shuffle, funny I don’t remember the song. But I looked up confused and there were hello eyes and friendly waving from the president of the Photo Club. I was stunned, I didn’t know what to do, so I waved back, and I think I said “hi” and we went on.

In another isle were two girls that I worked with so I said “hi” to them. I guess if I want to open myself to change, it’s going to happen and it means I have to change; one small step at a time.

I did forget the soy sauce though.

Friday, January 14, 2011


There’s usually one small gift I buy “for me” when I pick up groceries or pick up my prescription. Until now, there’s been no thought of the big picture. I don’t think about how much I’ve made this week or how much money I have in the bank. I just want it so I buy it. These usually aren’t big things, and they don’t cost much on their own, but if I had bought everything I wanted this month, according to the list I’ve made, I would have spent a lot of money.

The feeling that I have when I walk away is intense, betrayal, I can’t believe I’m actually walking away from that little necklace, or that book I want. I keep thinking about it, on down time I’m wondering what one thing I will allow myself to get at the end of the month. I think that if I don’t get it now it won’t be there. That somehow not getting it will hurt me.

Part of me thought that I would make the list and I would realize that difference between want and need and there would be a clear “winner” but greedily I want it all. So I guess this is a good exercise.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Nice Adventure

Well, in my quest to learn more about something I enjoy, I joined the photo club. I know most of the people at least a little bit. They’re good people; I like taking photographs and would like to get better. I’m still working on where music fits in and haven’t connected with the local writers yet, so photography is good; it's there and it keeps coming back.

I was sitting there learning about the right places to put a light when taking a portrait when I thought, I’m with people, I’m not at work and I’m not running around inside my head, inside my apartment. It was a nice adventure.

I was supposed to take pictures too, but they decided with my new hair cut I should be a model. That was a nice ego boost. Although, I have had two people send me pictures and managed to pick myself apart, I guess I now have to go back and see the good things in the picture.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Like a Toddler

It’s been a long week. I’ve started focusing on some of the things I want to accomplish this year. I went to the bank and made an appointment to open up a separate savings account to save and store and keep me from the needless spending of money. It’s opening up some money demons; I have a lot of stuff to take care of like moving the main account to B’town instead of the big city, cutting another tie.

I started keeping track of my spending and now instead of impulse buying I’m making a list of things that I want and walking away. I can then decide at the end of the month what I want. I have a long list, and I feel like a toddler having a temper tantrum. I can’t believe I’m not letting myself have the cute necklaces, the big plush heart cushion, the book that Oprah talks about and oh I do want things…

I’m making a Dr’s appointment tomorrow, to talk about the constant feeling cold, I don’t want to self diagnose and need a professional opinion, plus my emotions went on a roller coaster ride, and have been following a pattern, I know why, but if I can stop it or control it, it will be good.

I played with my e-book, I’m not sure if I’m ready to pay for a book online (there’s one on the list) and try to figure out how to get it in the little thing, but I downloaded some free books. I now have a Kindle app a Kobo app and the Ereader download all on my computer. Interesting little toy.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

We Haven't Failed in Letting Go...

7 women work in a room the size of my one bedroom apartment living room. The window doesn’t open and there is no air conditioning. Everyone is hot by the end of the day; everyone except me. I’m putting on sweaters on over my sweaters and shaking.

My mom and sister have both looked at me at different times and said “you’re shaking.” Once I had an honest excuse for it; 2 coffees and by two o’clock the last solid food was an orange at 10. I was waiting to eat dinner at home.

I can walk around the house without the heater on and have no problem going outside when it’s -20 with a wind chill to go for a jog or get groceries.

Last night the girls and I went to see The Fighter. By the last fight #1 was out of her seat, 1.5 was sitting there glued to the screen and I started to get cold and shiver, I was fine for two hours, but by the end of the movie I was wrapped up in the action and I was feeling anxious waiting for the end.

I’m sitting here alone, in my apartment and I’m fine. There are a ton of things I’d like to be doing at once, but I’m not cold and shaking.

Shakiness or trembling is a side effect of one of the drugs I’m on, but it’s very rare, even rarer is anxiety.

So I need to learn how to make it through a day at work without the anxiety. All my plans may have to be put to the side for a moment to work on this. I have a book on my shelf about anxiey and the internet to ramble through.

... We've Become Stronger

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Goals For 2011

I want to do stuff with the photo club.
I will keep running, writing, singing and reading.
I want to take one day at a time and see what it brings, not be limited by a schedule or routines.
Learn how to shop for groceries more efficiently.
I want to learn how to put a little bit of money away.
I will keep looking for a place that will allow cats.
I will keep assessing my future and how to make it more creative and more stable.
I want to make a collection of poetry/stories/ pictures that I can give to my family as Christmas presents in December.
I want to go see live performances.
I want to see old friends who live "far" away.
I want to join up with writers in B’town.
I want to keep up with blogging and reading blogs.
I want to keep growing and keep dreaming.
I want as many things to come at me and surprise me and challenge me as I go after.
I’m going to be ok with who I am, even if I’m “still single” I will not consider it a failure. (It angers me that I think like that sometimes.)
I want to continue to partner up with people who have passions like me, who understand why I do things and push me to be better.
I want to strengthen the relationships I have now.
I want to be better with money, to be better at my job, to be better with my heart.
I don’t want a person or a job to make me cry as much as I did this year. Even though I believe I had a few years of crying to catch up on.
As per KM Weiland I will write the end on some of the short stories I’ve started this year.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Looking Back

Goal for 2010 was “find more poetry outlets":
I have printed off many poems that inspire me and keep them in a binder
I have bought books to write better poetry
I found a poetry website that reads poems to you
I have found blogs to make me a better writer
Raided the library and bookstores of poetry books

Goal for 2010 was “make more food and experiment with new recipes
Made my own cookies and muffins
Bought many new cookbooks and used them
Stopped believing that maple beans and frozen corn was an acceptable meal for many days in a row

Goal for 2010 was “more photography.”
Got a new camera and I could take the pictures that I wanted
Learned how to take better pics with the quick snap
Went on fieldtrips with the photo club
Followed blogs of Photos and was inspired

Goal for 2010 was “More music”
I didn’t get to take in concerts
But I learned to download music
Learned to find new stuff on You Tube
Was inspired to look deeper into music by a friends e-mail
And moved the piano by the window and play a few times a week

Still no cats of my own.

I decided I didn’t want to go back to school to learn writing, instead, I found blogs that published writing tips and my confidence is growing.

Goal for 2010 was “feel safe here a little longer”
I bought a bed a new printer and a book shelf; it’s a little harder to run away fast
Got a promotion and the company took out a ten year lease on the building
Learning how to maintain friends around me and far away
Work 9-5 so commuting hours are safer.

Goal for 2010 was “maintain positive energy despite everything going on around me”
It should have been “learn to”
My energy was up and down all year; but I’m learning

"Perhaps this is the year we believe in ourselves." -Tink