Thursday, December 16, 2010

Tea Would Have Been Nice

I knew I was headed for a transition, but naively I pictured a nice quiet weekend, tea in one hand, cars driving by the window, a sigh and me saying to myself: “Yes I see.”

After starting the week off on such a high, I was hit with reality. I will need to prioritize and I will need down time.

When I cry the first thing that comes to mind is my last few years in the city. When I would cry, it would last for hours and I would get scared because even though nothing bad happened I didn’t want to be by myself if it did, if my emotions got too much for me to handle. So I would go to the hospital and they would give me a bed and let me talk to psych and maybe my medications would be debated and more appointments made. The stuff I was crying about was never resolved.

So when I hit hour 2 1/2 -3 of crying last night I was worried. I finally put myself to bed at 9:30. I woke up with bloodshot eyes, but as the day went on, I sent myself little notes, my mind kept working on new things completing thoughts finding answers. I had this feeling of emptiness and clarity. I decided tonight the emptiness was good, I have been cleansed and there is room for new.

That dip in emotion also has me on alert. I don’t want to be sick again and if I do get sick I want to be aware of what’s going on.

What if all this crying is a monster leaving my body and it makes me cry because it's been part of me for so long? And I never even knew it was there…

I’ve reached a point in my life when the Dr won't have a magic pill to take the pain away. It's up to me to deal with it on my own.

I saw that what I'm looking for in my fantasies I have in real life I just have to learn to interpret it

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