Sunday, December 12, 2010

and this is life

I wish I could show you the pictures I took last night. I may ask for permission in the future but not right now. I don’t post pictures of me, so I’ll not put that pressure on my friends. Let’s just say I’ve fallen in love with them, the friends and the pictures.

I’ve chosen to go to these people for laughter and help and support rather than to curl up inside myself. If something happens that we part, and this is life. There will be much pain.

Last night I took the five year old Kodak EasyShare to the work Christmas party (there’s no delay, when you want to take the picture it takes it). My friends looked beautiful, and something amazing happened, I trusted myself and they trusted me. Souls come out. When I sat at their table to take a picture, friends smiled at friends, spouses held each other. One husband wrapped himself around his wife and yelled my name as I passed. I’ve never been able to take good portraits before. Sure there were some bad ones; a great lot of us had found the bar a couple times over, but I grew a little bit.

This makes me want to take my photos more seriously.

Today and yesterday I sang after a week of focusing on overtime and running and cooking cool meals. My voice is getting stronger, it’s nowhere near a place where I want to ask a professional for lessons again, but it’s a consideration. I want to keep up with it, it sets me free.

I struggle to write as much as I want to, I write a few blogs, and try to get my Julia Cameron 20 minutes of free fall a day. From this freefall I pull rough outlines of things to expand and create. I’ve spent a few weeks working on a poem that has been great to play with, but it is nowhere near shareable. I want my writing to be stronger.

I added an extra half a lap to my run last week and would like to keep that up.

Work is asking for overtime.

And I still need to read, keep the apartment up to snuff (right now it is nowhere near snuff) and cook.

I want to be a good friend to these people who I have been sharing these great experiences with.

Thinking about it has overwhelmed me, I think, I can’t do it, it’s too much, something will need to be left behind. Wah wah wah.

And then I read this by Pixie Campbell:
As the solstice approaches, I'm growing my list of everything to be released. I'll be attending my first sweat in years, since I began having babies and nursing them through, which seems to be another aspect of this transition I've been experiencing between one who has babies and one who is finished having babies. At the top of my list to release at the lodge is that grief. I cry each time (like right now) I acknowledge that I am moving beyond that sacred place. I didn't see it coming when I was in the earlier stages of my mama bliss. It really hit me when I was weaning Ivy back in the summertime.

I too am going through changes that need to be released; I’ve gone from a phone/e-mail agent to a QA. And I’m going from a person with depression, nursing and healing a sick body, to a much healthier person. My day no longer revolves around surviving, but enjoying. I need to take time and realize that, learn how that changes the daily routine.

I was thinking this Christmas wasn’t feeling like Christmas to me, maybe this year it’s a transition time more than a celebration time. A chance to tell myself I can do it. I can experiment with time and commitment and learn. A time to release the old and accept the new.


  1. I am a new follower! YEAY!!! Hope you will stop by my blog and follow back!

    Emma Michaels

  2. This Christmas does not feel like Christmas to me either. Your post made me reflect on the fact that it is, for me also, a time of transition (my birthday in January is a decade-changer, etc.). It helps to acknowledge that.

    I understand the way these new friends seem mystically right and how growing within a circle of good people can confound, confront, and comfort one who has not surrounded herself with friends in the past. It takes bravery to put yourself out there and to trust that you deserve these good people. More than that, you have so much to give as a friend (just look at all your energy!). That is beautiful and so are you for living it carefully and gratefully.

  3. Sounds like you're getting stronger every day. In more ways than one. Hugs!!!

  4. Thank you beautiful ladies...

    @ emma... looking forward to meeting you.

    @ lydia It's Ok for it not to feel like christmases? past. To me, over the past couple years christmas has changed its focus many times over.

    Decade birthdays make us think, reflect, grow, I'm in the middle, but the last decade changer was big. I always ask for my birthday off from work, at “the hotel” it was a stat holiday. Ever since then I take a vacation day. Take time to do what you need to make the transition. I sang and ran in the morning, chilled with me, (self time) and played with mom and 1.5 in the afternoon.

    Our body will make sure we process what we need, mine goes through great lengths to make sure I listen :)

    @ gw I think I am, I still have to pause and remind myself to sit and chill and have a tea at times, I get easily overwhelmed, but I'm excited.

  5. In many ways, I feel like my life is in the midst of a transition period too. It's terrifying in some respects, but also hugely exciting. Kinda like cliff diving or something. ;) I hope the New Year brings you all kinds of wonderful changes - and lots of writing time!

  6. KM that poem that I'm working on is kind of like cliff diving, so it's funny you should mention that... It was hugely exciting monday and yesterday it was overwhemling (good this morning though) Hugs and take care