Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I posted Crazy Dream a few days ago, it came alive. I posted Mimosa after that, to let it free, so I could think about it. It doesn't live like Crazy Dream, so I'm going to mess around with it, make it come a live. Tonight I wrote out what it really is, the honesty of it.
It’s just me in my apartment so sometimes there are papers scattered everywhere. I put them on the floor, the coffee table is lined with music books. My journals and works in progress along with some recipes are sitting on half the couch. It’s quite an explanation if a friend comes over unexpectedly, here let me move that for you, oh, I’d rather you not read it. The other half of my couch is for me.
In the summer I take my shoes off at the door and they all line the hall. The sneakers, the flip flops with dragon flies, the pretty pink ones that are made of cloth so tender and opposite of who I believe I am but I wear them in defiance. I feel happy when I see all of them lined up; all the colours, all the designs.
Sometimes I just sit on my couch and without realizing it, I look around at the peace and comfort I have and slip into a world of day dreaming. My living room has been designed for the freedom of imagination.
Often I will read a book or follow a new blog instead of cleaning the kitchen. I push the envelope as to what is acceptable. I have special blankets on the couch, the throw with the orange kitten, or the blanket I bought 10 years ago because it was the kind the hotel used. I felt so special to have the same blanket as a fancy hotel.
I tried so hard to build a relationship with myself over the years. No matter what I tried food and depression would shake up all the logic I tried to teach it. My friends would push me in a safe direction and I would bounce right back. It’s only been the last couple years when things have started to make sense. I’m learning to hear myself and hear others.
Let me take you back to that day dream. I’m eating French Toast; because it’s a day dream and I can eat whatever I want in a day dream. We’re on a deck overlooking the Eiffel Tower, I’ve chosen you, because you’re here with me now. We each have a mimosa in our hands and we laugh and cheer “Here’s to being spoiled.”