Saturday, November 6, 2010

good moments to come


Maybe it has to really hurt. Maybe there comes a point in your life or maybe there are many, where you can’t get angry and walk away from everything in a stew, you can’t shut it out and say it doesn’t matter, you can’t make a joke about it and have it all go away. Maybe it just hurts for a while.

I couldn’t run on Thursday night. I needed that energy to work my feelings out. Life isn’t just taking baby steps right now, it’s coming at me full force.

Like, I’m not just rereading what I’ve written, trying to make it sound good, I’m learning things about me from secrets in the text. I look forward to the days to come where there is safety again, or maybe, I’ve said good bye to safety for a while; “bring it.” But right now there are challenges that have come up that haven’t been previously scheduled or imagined.

I’ve never once thought: maybe I wasn’t ready. I’ve never thought this wasn’t a good idea.

I’ve learned a lot over the last little while. I was under the illusion that if you kept learning things about yourself that it would be a positive experience, that you would only be stronger and “wiser.” It’s not like an episode of Oprah where she jumps up saying “isn’t that wonderful ‘A Ha’ moment?” There are parts that really take a toll on me as I look at myself face to face, and in the eyes of strangers.

This is the first time I’ve switched a job and I wasn’t angry, I didn’t hate the job, I wasn’t sick, I didn’t want to run away from the people because there were things to hide. I recognized the newness about getting a promotion in an organization and now I realize there is also a lot emotionally going on with the change as well.

Yesterday, I woke up early. I had time in the morning to just sit and relax, before I went to work. I haven’t done that since I jumped into the 9:00 am start. I had a moment to sit on the couch and look out the window. I knew I was going to see a movie with my favorite girls. 1.5 and I exchanged work e-mails all day. So I felt connected; surrounded. When I came home I made a phone call to Tink, no panic attacks or second thoughts. The movie was hilarious. I love watching movies with these girls because we get there early to talk. We all laugh and then we laugh at each other laughing. I had a good day and I had a good night.

There are a lot of hard times yet to come. There are also more good moments to come.

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