Tuesday, October 5, 2010
There’s a shift and although the foundation is strong, the walls are cracked and there is dust everywhere. I’ve tried to write paragraphs and lines for a blog entry but there’s so much in suspension. No concrete answers that I like, it’s all very much in motion. There are questions I’m dealing with. Usually I have goals but right now they’re just questions.
Why do I do what I do?
What do I want to accomplish?
Where do I want to go with my writing?
How do I take advantage of all the overwhelming information I’m getting from the web about life and writing?
Why do I feel lonely when I pull out a piece of writing that needs revision?
What do I want to get from my job?
How do I focus more time away from the job and on things and the life I want outside of work?
What changes need to be made over the next little while to make my life better?
How do I start looking for fulfillment outside of work?
How much stepping out of the cocoon that is my apartment do I need to do?
How important is the piano and is it a distraction from doing writing?
What things do I say "yes" to?
No, I’m allowed to say “no” to things right, if an opportunity or friendship doesn’t feel right I’m allowed to back away. I don’t need to say “yes” to everything.
Am I settling or do I need to go bigger?
I need to look outside my work for answers.
Are writing and music something I have to do? Or a distraction from depression, something that has kept me occupied as I was unable to get out of the house? Unable to get out of my head? Everything feels like it needs to be reevaluated.
I’m not used to so many questions without an answer. Part of me feels stalled by the job. That I can’t make the next step with it the way it is. That needs to lead to some of the answers I’m looking for. A shift. I don’t want to share this; it feels like I’m falling apart.
I feel I can look outside my apartment for things, to talk to friends to help with emotions and finding the balance. But that means a shift.