Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Set Me Free

Here’s my weakness. It’s a weakness to me because I know logically it’s very different. The last little while my friends have sent a lot of love and admiration my way; I know I love them and I appreciate it in ways I can’t put it into words, but I don’t think I feel like other people. As strong and independent as I am I still long for that special relationship with a man.

Today, for a moment, #1 set me free. CERRIDWEN and I went to see Life as We Know It last night; that, as well as a friends baby announcement made me cry about pieces of me I still need to understand and maybe it’s ongoing. I’ve always told people I didn’t want a baby that was the truth as I knew it; logically I don’t want a baby, but inside I think about it all the time. #1 said, “But Frosty, I don’t think about it. It’s not finished for you.” She says, “There’s always adoption, you can always have a baby if you want one.”

I was running after work and I pictured it, me with better pay, a house (or condo as I stated before) and a baby; there didn’t need to be a guy and the copious amounts of antidepressants didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if it’s going to be something I work towards, there’s still logic and I know nothing about babies. But it’s a jump off point, everything was clear for a moment, I could be loved by myself and my friends and that was enough.

Maybe that’s what love is, not that when I see them I well up inside, but that in a run of a day they set me free, make me laugh, listen to me, hear me and help me get a little stronger and a little braver, because of them I see things a little clearer. I guess that’s what love is for me.

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