Sunday, October 31, 2010

Mimosas

My papers are scattered
All over the floor
My shoes have all jumped
From the safety of the closet
Now they are running down the hall
Just like my dreams
Free from my imagination
And wild
Holding my body in stillness
All I can do is day dream
While it would take five minutes
To clean the kitchen floor
I pour some ginger tea
Cover my painted toes
With a soft blanket
I have had for ten years
Which is younger then the relationship
I have just rekindled with myself
I slip into a world of
French toast on a Parisian deck
Overlooking the Eiffel tower
Wind blowing through white blouses
Cheering myself with mimosas
Saying “here’s to being spoiled”

Saturday, October 30, 2010

‘good enough’

May be ‘good enough’ is something I need to hear over and over again. Rather than see all that I don’t have; I need to say “this is what I have today and tomorrow I will add all I have learned today to that list of things that make me ‘good enough.’”

Friday, October 29, 2010

I Understand So It's not so Scary


I’ve read about it before, there’s a change you really want, and you know it’s the right decision to make so you move forward, so you advance. Even though you know all the good things about it, the transition still makes you cry.

So I work really hard during the day, even taking my breaks with the agents rather than going down to the break room to get a snack and be away from the floor.

It’s like spending the day alone. I don’t want to tell my deepest secrets to these strangers, like I did with my peeps. We’re not there yet. I’m not there yet.

There’s work to do and I don’t know the secrets to chatting and getting the work done.

Today, I miss all my friends on the floor. Things I was used to. Today, I miss the way it was.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Set Me Free


Here’s my weakness. It’s a weakness to me because I know logically it’s very different. The last little while my friends have sent a lot of love and admiration my way; I know I love them and I appreciate it in ways I can’t put it into words, but I don’t think I feel like other people. As strong and independent as I am I still long for that special relationship with a man.

Today, for a moment, #1 set me free. CERRIDWEN and I went to see Life as We Know It last night; that, as well as a friends baby announcement made me cry about pieces of me I still need to understand and maybe it’s ongoing. I’ve always told people I didn’t want a baby that was the truth as I knew it; logically I don’t want a baby, but inside I think about it all the time. #1 said, “But Frosty, I don’t think about it. It’s not finished for you.” She says, “There’s always adoption, you can always have a baby if you want one.”

I was running after work and I pictured it, me with better pay, a house (or condo as I stated before) and a baby; there didn’t need to be a guy and the copious amounts of antidepressants didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if it’s going to be something I work towards, there’s still logic and I know nothing about babies. But it’s a jump off point, everything was clear for a moment, I could be loved by myself and my friends and that was enough.

Maybe that’s what love is, not that when I see them I well up inside, but that in a run of a day they set me free, make me laugh, listen to me, hear me and help me get a little stronger and a little braver, because of them I see things a little clearer. I guess that’s what love is for me.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Honesty


I like to hide behind sarcasm and humor and disappear into unreal fantasy’s that keep me from living life to the fullest in the moment. This week I made a promise, to me, to be honest with myself. I also made a promise to the secret keeper, who mentioned my sarcasm many moons ago. I told her that when we talk I trust her with my truth, and I will try to be as honest as I can. I also told my friends around me that that is what I’m focused on. Because that’s what I need right now.

I’m ready to put away the delusions, instead of day dreaming all the time, take that time to focus on what is really happening around me (some day dreams necessary) and focus on writing instead. I made that promise Sunday, and have had a few great writing sessions and feel more confident interacting with people around me.

I’m trained as a QA and monitored my first call yesterday. I was nervous and anxious and called the centre 7 hours away to make sure I was doing it right. Today, I sink my teeth in.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I've learned how to cry and I'm better for that

sara bareilles


My apartment is designed for imagination. There are pictures that my mom and I took of bright colours and flowers. There is a huge window with a full keyboard in front of it. There is people watching that can be done at the window, it’s also a great place to drink tea and look up at the sky. There are over a hundred books and CD’s to choose from and pages of blank paper to be written on. I have a laptop to type on and a camera to take pictures when I go for a walk or go on an adventure.

I’m not bragging, except to say that short of owning my own home (condo is on the perfect house list, no backyard and many floors above ground) and being owned by felines, I have created a place I want to be. And from here I have created a person who is surrounded by people that I like and trust, which has to mean that in some way I like and trust me. A place where I feel safe enough to share the truth with people, and hear the truth from people, and maybe it will affect me, but that’s ok.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Car


I was going through Indigo and felt at peace. I looked from book to book and was satisfied. I didn’t buy any books, which is unusual. My brain kept saying the bookstore is so close, I’ll come back when I need books. But I’m 7 hours away from home. I couldn’t figure out if my brain felt that this was close to home, or if I thought that when I left I’d be back in my apartment in B’Town. But I loved being in a city, loved the satisfaction of taking a map and navigating a place I’d never been in before. I loved getting in a cab and saying "take me to the bookstore."

I want to enhance my ability to travel and go places on my own. So that I can pick up and visit people and places that are car drives away. Driving scares me though. On the walk to work the other day I stood at the cross walk waiting while the light was green to go. I can’t do that if I’m driving.

I would always have to know which side of the road is the correct one to drive on.

When my aunt was teaching me to drive many years ago, I headed off down the road and was quite upset that another car was coming toward me in the same lane. Well, needless to say, it was me in the wrong lane. I can’t do that, but I’m scared that I would. Where is the line that says it’s just me being scared, to it’s me knowing that I really can’t process what’s going on around me in the time, making me an unsafe driver?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Travel Bug


Work was intense, four of us in a room making sure we all agreed on the marks to give a phone call. I had never monitored a phone call before. I spent the first little while anxious and all of a sudden I was asked for my opinions and to back up my answers. I hoped for a moment that one of my friends was there to do the explaining for me. And then, because they’re seven hours away I piped up and explained why I would mark this call this section the way I did even if no one else did. I was passionate about it and the woman teaching the course said that what I had said was valid and I could stop worrying about being the baby/newbie of the group. The whole experience gave me confidence.

The instructor and her wife took me to see a beach the first night and we went to this gorgeous beach that didn’t seem to stop and I watched her dogs jump and play. We then went to what we thought was a pub, but my meal was only a little less than a night in my hotel room. I’m paying for most of my own meals anyway, so I don’t feel so guilty about charging this to the company. Dinner was so good and the restaurant was very accommodating to my diet. Although the first salad they brought did have ham, so I needed to send it back. The onions in the salad were the sweetest tangiest onions I have ever tasted.

Today the plan was to get over early, but we worked and debated and got confused and made agreements from 8 am until 4 pm. It was intense and I feel confident and not so scared of the training I will get next week, to actually learn how to do my job. I‘m ready.

At four o clock I came back to my room, changed into jeans and sneakers, asked the cab driver drop me off in the middle of the city with a map and found my way (there was a little backtracking until I got my bearings) Took some pictures and heard the clicking of cash machines, there are some cool Christmas presents in the future. And I may have caught the travel bug. This has been a very positive experience.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Isolation and Connection

"The suspense and tension of ‘A Single Man’ is starting to build. It was starting to overwhelm me and suck me in last night. The constant spoken word and the images that surround the story followed by the intense dialogue; I really don’t know what happens in the movie. I only know the critics really liked it and it was a movie I was supposed to watch.” Freefall from this morning’s journal…

While I ate lunch I finished the movie and am still completely blown away by it.

“The film is about romance, it’s also about isolation, and the isolation that we all feel, and I think that most people spend a good deal of our lives trying to connect, trying to connect with another person.” Tom Ford: Making of A Single Man

When I switched from the museum job to catering I wanted to know what it was like to live a few years going to parties and having a good time through work, just be surrounded by socialization. I didn’t feel I had the strength or the ability to be social outside of the workplace. In yesterdays blog I worried about going from being surrounded by all those people to being in a room of five.

I keep thinking and trying to discover ways to not be isolated. How much of my life is natural to sit and write and write and how much of it should be spent trying to connect and make friendships happen and of course how much will happen naturally.

Friendships aren't always natural to me, although a lot of great moments have happened without thought; others have taken large breaths, and giant steps forward, thinking and trying very hard to step out of the shell that is Frosty Duncan.

I loved the suspense of the gun being in the briefcase while he taught the class. The girl in blue, after it was explained that blue was spiritual. So many great moments. It made me think of friendships that last overtime and don’t just fade because things change. The conversation between George and the student as they buy a pencil sharpener.



People have always called me a writer, and I've always had goals to be a writer, with blogging and twitter I've become overwhelmed with how "small I am" watching this makes me realize I need to go back to the learning faze, keep writing of course, but there is a lot of learning to be better.

I’ve doubted the last little while about why I still try to write when so many other people are so much “bigger” at it and sitting down today and looking at this film I realize that I have to keep trying to write, no matter how small it is to the rest of the world, it’s big to me. It’s something that feeds me.



I feel sad about all this as well. I was asked to go visit my relatives this weekend, and I knew there were things that I needed to figure out. I also knew, that because of how different I feel around them, it would not naturally evolve, and because I need to spend tomorrow getting ready for the trip I needed to be by myself today.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Different

The hotel confirmation is sitting in my e-mail box. I just wrote to the lady who is going to drive us the six - seven hour drive and teach the class. And my schedule has been updated to accommodate the hours of the new position. I think it may be safe to feel a little excited again.

I’ll be in a little room with 5 other people with the new job. That’s different then a room with at least a hundred in my program. Although I’ll still see most to say “hi;” I won’t be walking around talking and laughing with them as I answer questions. I've sat by and with the same people for at least a year. I've been surrounded by a program full of people for four years. Different.



We bought “new” cloths today; if I can get the foundation off the Halloween costume I bought at the second hand store I’ll have a cool Halloween costume. I feel safe getting fun and interesting cloths, although what I’ve posted probably won’t be seen in public, unless there’s a theme day at work. But who could pass it up.

Went shopping with my mom, cleaned the store of rectangular storage containers that I can put different types of flours in; I think it went well.

Went to the music store in town and asked if they could order some Sara Bareilles music books for me, the lady at the store had never heard of her. The last music store I was in was in the city, I sat in the middle of the floor (the guy there said it was ok and now I often find myself sitting on the floor in all bookstores) and put all the books in front of me and told myself I could pick one classical and one to sing along to. Today wasn’t like that; it wasn’t my type of music.

That and I haven’t listened to the radio in forever.

I still haven’t tackled the pumpkin pie, and am finding writing very difficult, not smooth, not the natural flood of emotions that need to be explored and solved.

I’ve started to think about activities to do in the evening, things that don’t revolve around work.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I'll Be Honest


Today sucked ass.

I’m all for finding the silver lining. I’m all for seeing the unicorn and the rainbow in empty match box. But there’s no way to write today into something positive. I don’t even think there’s a lesson in it. It just sucked.

I either need major time to myself or major people time. I can’t decide. There’s stuff I’m trying to figure out and I need to look at it at a different way.

I can tell by what happened this morning it’s going to be hit and miss. And this morning was a miss.

There’s stuff that’s happening that should make me happy. And it’s not, and that makes me feel sad and confused. Getting here has made me sad and frustrated and those emotions are winning. Hopefully I’m up for writing next week when I jump some land lines for 2 days and start my new position…

Finally, I hope.

Last night I had a dream I was singing "If you fall down today; stand tall tomorrow." It was that type of day.


The only thing I did to the picture is upload it. It's not mine.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Shift


There’s a shift and although the foundation is strong, the walls are cracked and there is dust everywhere. I’ve tried to write paragraphs and lines for a blog entry but there’s so much in suspension. No concrete answers that I like, it’s all very much in motion. There are questions I’m dealing with. Usually I have goals but right now they’re just questions.

Why do I do what I do?

What do I want to accomplish?

Where do I want to go with my writing?

How do I take advantage of all the overwhelming information I’m getting from the web about life and writing?

Why do I feel lonely when I pull out a piece of writing that needs revision?

What do I want to get from my job?

How do I focus more time away from the job and on things and the life I want outside of work?

What changes need to be made over the next little while to make my life better?

How do I start looking for fulfillment outside of work?

How much stepping out of the cocoon that is my apartment do I need to do?

How important is the piano and is it a distraction from doing writing?

What things do I say "yes" to?

No, I’m allowed to say “no” to things right, if an opportunity or friendship doesn’t feel right I’m allowed to back away. I don’t need to say “yes” to everything.

Am I settling or do I need to go bigger?

I need to look outside my work for answers.

Are writing and music something I have to do? Or a distraction from depression, something that has kept me occupied as I was unable to get out of the house? Unable to get out of my head? Everything feels like it needs to be reevaluated.

I’m not used to so many questions without an answer. Part of me feels stalled by the job. That I can’t make the next step with it the way it is. That needs to lead to some of the answers I’m looking for. A shift. I don’t want to share this; it feels like I’m falling apart.

I feel I can look outside my apartment for things, to talk to friends to help with emotions and finding the balance. But that means a shift.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Wait this IS Me.


Had a great afternoon with Tink, they kindly asked us to leave the coffee shop; no one stays out past 5:00 in B’town, even on a Friday night. Needed a face to face friend chat. We'd done a lot of writing back and forth, but this sealed my strength. People are becoming important to me. She kept me up to date with the gossip from work, and we talked about ourselves.

Being sick and drinking ten litres of orange juice and eating multiple "enjoy life" cookies (because I was sick and didn't care) in a 5 day stretch has done wonders for my pants not fitting.

But the big thing is I feel stronger and more in touch with me. Like whatever my groove is, I think I got it back. I just have to make sure I don't get run over by a steam roller in a construction zone.

Got an e-mail from work; laughed. But I think I figured out the code, if not, 1.5 has requested help with e-mail. We'll see what this week brings, I'll keep you updated.